Gordon Robinson | Local Domino Awards 2018

Sigh. Remember these awards are (mostly) meant to be humorous. The Dunce was a happy-go-lucky character who never took anything seriously. If you suffer from CLAMS ('can't-laugh-at-myself' syndrome), avert your eyes.

The Old Ball and Chain insists on selecting/presenting the first award.

Old BC's Dunce Award: It's bashment time! I've decreed that 'brukration' is no reason for not celebrating in grand style. New rule: A super 'surprise' party is to be thrown for my next birthday. I expect Old Grey Balls to provide male strippers dancing to live music performed by Stevie Wonder; a five-tier birthday cake (I deserve one tier taller than the award winner's); food flown in from each continent (my heritage is international); tables and chairs by the finest furniture makers; and the venue (the fifth floor of the 'Welcome to MoBay' sign) decorated with orchids from Thailand.

Only the best will do for me. I work hard ALL year to take care of Old GB. Crucially, the bill must be paid by an appropriate statutory body. Justification? I've kept Old GB out of the public service for 40 years!

Old GB: So, ANDREW WHEATLEY, Old BC bigga dan you! She can decree her own 'surprise' party. Still, you win hands-down for so cavalierly running the energy ministry and your effortless facility at Wakanda parties. Old BC says to tell you: "Wakanda forever? No, walk away forever!" The Dunce sey: "If a macca, mek it jook yu!"

Dunce Move of the Year Award: SUPREME VENTURES RACING AND ENTERTAINMENT LIMITED (SVREL) wins for its significant contribution to the Diamond Mile's pre-race fiasco by failing to engage enough additional gate handlers for a landmark raceday with 14 races each valued at $1,000,000-plus. I've specific queries: How many additional gate handlers were engaged? My sources say that in 2017, the racing secretary asked for five extra and was given three.

Why was Peking Cruz, a notoriously fractious animal, loaded so early? Where were the starter, assistant starter, and gate handlers when Peking Cruz fell? What were they doing? How long after Peking Cruz fell did She's a Maneater bolt through the front of the gates? Did gate handlers rush to the scene and open the back of her stall to back her out safely? Was a gate handler in her stall? If yes, did he put her head into his chest to avoid her bolting forward?

None of this takes away from the result as there's no guarantee that She's a Maneater would've placed, especially after being kicked in her stall. But I expect the Racing Commission to hold a full investigation and advise on methods to avoid repetition. SVREL: "If a macca, mek it jook yu!"

 

Now my journalism awards

 

Journalism Dunce Move of the Year Award: This belongs to an unknown Nationwide producer who permitted his or her news reader to pronounce adolescent as 'A Dollar Cent'. When the news reader's mic was again turned on after an insert featuring a government official pronouncing the word perfectly, 'A Dollar Cent' was repeated.

Producer: "If a macca, mek it jook yu ... ."

Dunce Award for Journalism: NATIONWIDE NEWS NETWORK (NNN) wins for its happy-go-lucky coverage of the NESoL saga. It prematurely leapt to its former sales manager's defence. Then it obfuscated news that one contractor benefiting from oral NESoL contracts was a company controlled by NNN's general manager. Does NNN also stand for Naughty News Network?

 

Serious awards

 

Journalist of the Year: DIONNE JACKSON MILLER is an unoriginal choice, but her investigative work on Cornwall Regional Hospital; in-depth analysis of the chief justice's 'acting' appointment; and her continuing 'Jamaica 55' interviews confirms her as the best of her generation.

Gene Autry Award for Personality of the Year:

The Petrojam scandal was a watershed event that made headlines for months. A joint award goes to the PNP'S PARLIAMENTARY TEAM, especially Peter Bunting, Fitz Jackson, and Julian Robinson, for highlighting this national disgrace and never letting go.

Peace and love.

- Gordon Robinson is an attorney-at-law. Email feedback to columns@gleanerjm.com.