Anthony Gambrill | Welcome, Mr Ambassador

"We are getting a new US ambassador."

"Finally."

"Yes, he's from Arizona and I believe he is Hispanic."

"Oh, no! That means we are going to have to let in a lot of Mr Trump's Mexican rapists!"

"I doubt it, but we should remind him that we are more interested in migration than immigration."

"That's right. We don't have Windrush Generation of economic refugees. We have a 'Spirit Generation'.

"It will be critical to bring him up to scratch with who we are as a people. He has probably never even visited our island."

"Even if he has, it will have been to a gated hotel."

"That's where he can get his first dose of Patois."

"He may have heard of our world-class athletes like Usain Bolt and the Pocket Rocket."

"Speaking of athletics, we'll have to explain why we don't run distances like 5,000 metres."

"If a Jamaican has to go that far, he prefers to take the bus."

"But we excel at sprinting."

"Sure. He just has to see the passengers at Norman Manley sprint from the plane to Immigration."

"It's important he feels safe here."

"He'll soon get used to the fact that we only have homeland insecurity and endless states of emergency."

"That's true. We don't even have levels of danger alert like other countries."

"You mean red and yellow? If you're talking about traffic lights, we just ignore those."

"Certainly not green, too political."

"Luckily, our Muslims are friendly."

"Mind you, it would be a good idea for him to remember to say 'Allahu Akbar' if he is confronted by a terrorist."

"At least our kids don't shoot up their schools."

"No way! They restrict their badness to the streets."

"This new ambassador will need to be introduced to our politics."

"Yes, but keep him out of Gordon House, he'll think he's in a kindergarten."

"More Patois?"

"Even worse."

"Mr Ambassador, I'd tell him Jamaica is a democratic country. For instance, when we have an election in Sister P's constituency, the PNP can get 110 per cent of the votes."

"He won't like it that we are friendly with Cuba and Colombia."

"But we do plan to put our embassy in Israel in Jerusalem ... once we have one."

"At least we won't start a trade war."

"As long as Jamaica keeps sending its ganja north and the US keeps sending south its chicken neck and back."

"That reminds me: We must get him to bring Buju Banton back home."

"The one thing he can help us with is the epidemic of scamming."

"Right! Remember President Trump's ex-Secretary of State Tillerson dropped in for three hours one time and mentioned it."

"Mind you, they say scammers do contribute to our gross domestic product."

"That may be true, but the ambassador shouldn't give his phone number to anyone."

- Anthony Gambrill is a playwright. Email feedback to columns@gleanerjm.com.