My husband won't speak with his children

Q: My husband has two adult children with his first wife, who died years ago.

They and their dad had a beautiful relationship before I came into his life. When he decided to marry me the children said I was a gold-digger and low-class, among other remarks.

They did not attend the wedding. He was very embarrassed and upset. He said they should not come back to his house. Not even at Christmas can they visit.

I have forgiven them but he will not. I speak to his children but he will not. They are, basically, good kids.

Whenever they are in financial difficulties, I lend them money. They always pay it back. However, I cannot tell my husband I lend them money, though it is out of my savings. Whenever, I suggest he should forgive them he gets angry and say I am a fool. Even his sisters cannot get him to change his mind. I would like to see him and his children reunited but I feel so helpless. What more can I do?

A: The children behaved badly by calling you those names. All they should have done was tell their father they did not approve of his choice but would respect him and his wife- to-be. In addition, it was rude of them not to attend the wedding. Obviously he is deeply hurt.

You have done well by forgiving them. It is good that you are civil to them. However, it is not good to be hiding and lending his children money. You should not be hiding anything from your husband. You need to remember the marriage vow means you share financial assets and information. Next time they need to borrow money, suggest they seek help from their aunts or a financial institution.

What more can you do? You can encourage the children to write an apology to you and their father. In addition, they should affirm their love for him and you. They should state that they sincerely desire reconciliation and they miss the good times they used to have. They should state how much they now respect you.

It is a very long time for your husband to be carrying these negative feelings against his flesh and blood. Even if they do not become close again, at least, he needs to forgive the hurt they caused him and you. He needs the help of a counsellor to get over his bitterness towards his children.

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