Clinton Chisholm | Courthouse chuckles … Court is certainly not a deadly serious place

The impression that most people have of a court is that of a deadly serious place, but my six-year experience of working in the Resident Magistrate’s Court does not exactly match that impression.

I have witnessed times when even the RM and lawyers are cracking up, with the police on duty struggling to say “order” amid his own laughter. A riot. My family, students and close friends know that I am not as serious as I may look.

‘WHERE WAS YOU?’

In this one case, the victim of a knife attack, a countryman, after giving evidence, was being cross-examined by the attorney for the defence, who kept on badgering the witness with contrary options as to what really happened: “I am suggesting to you” the lawyer kept on saying.

The countryman was visibly annoyed and began turning his side to the lawyer, then, in disgust, he turned his back to the lawyer and the RM sternly instructed him to face the lawyer and respond to the suggestions being put to him.

When he turned around, he faced the RM and said, “Mirannah, beg yu taak to da lawyer ya yu nuh, cause mi nuh waan rude to him.”

Then turning to face the lawyer, he politely asked, “Beg paadn please, lawyer, on di day in question, where was you?” and proceeded to fold his arms and looked away while all of us, including the defence lawyer, were laughing like crazy.

“Order in the court,” was what the laughing policeman tried to say, but no one took him seriously for a good few minutes.

RATBATS ATE THE GANJA

Another corker involved missing ganja exhibit, with the late Hon. Boyd Carey on the Bench. I recall it as if it were last week. The case had been adjourned a few times because the exhibit was not in court. The police in charge of the store had been mandated to appear with the ganja in question but appeared in the witness box minus the exhibit.

Mr Carey was curt in asking him for the exhibit, to which the policeman mumbled, “Your Honour, the exhibit is not available because the store has ratbats in there and one of them apparently ate the ganja.”

Airtight explanation, right?

Wrong.

Listen to the RM:

“Officer, my wife is a botanist and she tells me that ratbats can’t digest ganja, so you go and find the guilty ratbat, cut it open and bring the ganja to court at the next court date, or else.”

The policeman tun fool in the witness box while even his police friends and all others were laughing at his plight.

X MARKS THE SPOT

So, one day a gentleman came with a young boy in tow to take out summons for someone who had used indecent language to him. After I had written up the basic information on the standard form, I spun it around and slid it under the grille for him to sign at the bottom of the form.

He promptly placed the form before the boy. I told him that the boy cannot sign for him and repositioned the form before him. He again put it before the boy, and again I put it before him.

He again put it before the boy and explained, “Him young, mek him ketch him practice, him haffi learn.”

That exchange between us went on for a couple minutes until I sternly informed him that since it was he and not the boy making the allegation, he had to sign the form.

My man, with his head on his arms on the counter, buss out wan bawl and blurted out, “Jeezas Chrais, sum parents cyan wicked sah, nuh sen dem pickney go a school.”

While stifling a laugh, I asked him if he could make an X, and he could, so the saga came to an end.

‘I DOES RAPE EASY!’

Now this last one I read about in a Barbados newspaper.

This lady was appearing before a judge for the fifth time as the complainant in a rape case, so in puzzlement, the judge innocently asked: “Ma’am, how is it that you end up before me so many times as the complainant in a rape case. How?”

She said: “Well, Your Honour, you have to understand, I does rape easy!”

Hmm, mystery solved!

 

- Rev Clinton Chisholm is academic dean at the Caribbean Graduate School of Theology. Email feedback to editorial@gleanerjm.com