How Beddasingh-Nicks rediscovered herself - Part II
Published:Sunday | January 19, 2020 | 12:47 AM
Following, what she described as a life-changing abortion at the age of 18, Keneisha Beddasingh-Nicks said that she plummeted to a place where suicide was all she longed for.
In fact, she told Family & Religion that although her mental state was not physically noticeable, she had planned out how she would take her own life.
She shared: “I remember being home alone and having a bottle of pills with me on my bed. I don’t remember anything that happened on that day. It is as if my memory has been wiped. Emotionally, I cried every day. I never felt good enough, and I just didn’t believe I was to be alive and my child is dead. Sadly, no one knew what was happening to me. I kept everything to myself and smiled when I needed to.
“In the midst of my pain and hurt, I heard God’s voice, and He told me that it was going to be okay. I didn’t believe Him, and I argued with Him in my mind for days because I just couldn’t see how all this would work out for good.”
However, despite her distress and lack of confidence in her redemption, Beddasingh-Nicks, who grew up a Christian, retained a will to start over.
And as it only takes a spark to get a fire going again, she was able to relight her life despite the initial struggle.
“Starting over was one of the worst things to do because I had to learn not just to love myself, but I had to forgive myself and forgive this man (who had encouraged her to get an abortion). I had to spend days in the Word, meditating and soaking up all the promises God had for me and all the things He said about me. I remember the prayer I had prayed before walking away from God, and though I can firmly say that I know that God loves me, and I have seen His hand in my life, I pray no one goes through the same things I did so as to ‘learn Christ’.
“I had to learn to forgive myself for what I did, and then I had to call this man and tell him that I forgave him, too, and I let him go,” she said, adding that the freedom she felt after doing that was instantaneous.
Unashamed Brokenness
Beddasingh-Nicks, who has dedicated her testimony through a book called Unashamed Brokenness, uses her story to speak to others who condemn themselves.
“I never knew God could work so fast. The guilt I felt from what I did left me because I truly repented, and I told God that I wanted to share my story after my deliverance. The book was birthed from my struggles and triumphs. At the end of it all, God gave me a husband and two daughters. He gave me a family that I didn’t deserve. It is hard to see anything good coming from your trials, or the wrong path that you have taken in life, but know this: nothing ever comes to your life that God doesn’t know about. He will provide a way of escape. God demarcated your end and your beginning, so He knows you would be where you are now. You need to allow Him to take you to where He wants you to be.
“God has given many of us dreams and visions about where He desires us to be, but He may not show us how He plans to get us there. Where you are right now might not be the place you want to be, but it is all a part of God’s plan for your life. The plan to get you to your destination is a secret God keeps from you intentionally. He is positioning you to step into what He has prepared for you. So I will boldly say: appreciate your mistakes because He said He will conform them to fulfil your purpose.”