There he stood, sweating profusely, face contorted in mostly mental but maybe somewhat physical pain.

He looked at the ground, the wall, practically anywhere except at the expectant crowd.

Feebly he attempted to speak, but could only continue to smile awkwardly and blush significantly.

In reality, it couldn't have been more than a few minutes, but it must have felt like an eternity for the poor bloke.

The scene before you is (a) true, (b) not the action of someone who was being grilled on the witness box, or (c) a politician who had lost their notes in Parliament.

It was the desperate attempt of a newly minted groom to give the groom's reply at the reception.

It was one of the most painful things I've ever seen in my life. This coming from a man who has seen dead bodies while on assignment.

Because the wedding was, for the most part, a family and really close friends affair, nobody 'loud up' the groom for his stage fright.

In fact, many persons were quite supportive, even giving him suggestions about what he could say.

"Tell us how you met her," one man shouted. A fair idea, considering the couple had been together for a time before deciding to make it 'official'.

However, that suggestion and the various others didn't really help.

We did get a joke out of the chap, however, as he rightly noted that "a nuh di same day baby born dem walk".

Problem is at that point, this baby wasn't even getting out of the womb. Eventually, he said a few words, and we all moved on.

Such is the life of a groom when he's to speak at his wedding. Life is a tad on the unfair side, because all the woman has to do is show up, look pretty (well, as pretty as she can anyway) and fling flower when the time comes.

But di man haffi git up pon stage, tek microphone and tell everybody thanks for coming, even if him never invite half a di people.

I've sometimes wondered if I could make the groom's reply, or at the very least make it sensible and make it sound like I actually had a decent education and grasp of the English language.

Of course, one can always give a speech in good ol' Patois. Let's be honest, that would make the speaker look quite 'real', especially depending on the type of crowd.

I've been to a few weddings in my time, and nowadays, these younger grooms seem to be better at this reply thing than some of the older ones.

Maybe they're just better prepared. Let's face it, some men back in the day just felt like they had to show up.

Or maybe it's because there's a new swag movement going with grooms. Talk di truth, some a dem yute yah well bush out fi dem wedding day.

Quite frankly, that's the way it should be.

If you're going to commit 'gallis suicide' (you will be forsaking all others after all), might as well look good.

Later.

- Link me at daviot.kelly@gleanerjm.com [2].