Opening your home to foster children

When you’re down and out

When you’re on the street

When evening falls so hard

I will comfort you

I’ll take your part

Oh, when darkness comes

And pain is all around

Like a bridge over troubled water

I will lay me down

– Bridge Over Troubled Water

by Simon & Garfunkel

In a March 7 article in The Gleaner titled ‘Government to embark on pilot foster care programme’ that highlighted a project to be undertaken next year that will be aimed at seeing more children in state care being placed in stable family homes.

It is no secret that children thrive in an environment where there is love, support, and security.

For some prospective foster parents, however, the desire to foster can be quite challenging as they have their own children to contend with who might be resentful of having to share their parents’ love, affection and space.

While the parents may have a big heart and would love to spread the love, some children can be selfish or insecure and see another child in the home as someone coming to replace them.

Fostering is a decision should be done with a great deal of thought. Family and Religion asked Pastor Ann Marie Richards of Stars of Hope, a woman who has fostered more than 32 children and raised them as her own, to shed some light on the matter.

She said that as a woman, it is important to first receive the buy-in from your spouse, who heads the household.

In her case, she said that her husband was very supportive of her desire to help others.

Acknowledging that children may not take kindly to sharing their space, Richards recommends that integration into the family be done by showing care and by sharing.

“The fact is, children will always have the feeling of ‘I need mommy or daddy more’ and show jealousy. It is part and parcel of how they behave. Even with their own siblings, the action does exist. The behaviour, however, when redirected and given good examples of how we should be towards each other, helps to create a balance, and eventually, the process is not difficult,” she pointed out.

Richards said that attitude might not go totally, but it can be kept in check with love.

Taking a page from her own life, Richards said a part of the strategy her husband used was speaking to their children all the time was about 1 Corinthians 13, which outlines the principles of love. She said that it was his way of making the idea of loving others very simple even before bringing anyone to join their family.

Richards suggested that it is a good idea for parents to involve their children in the process, which will smooth over any feeling of resentment when a foster child is brought into the family. She also stressed that children should be given the chance to express how they feel about fostering.

“Be honest about your feelings, sharing your need in an atmosphere of care for all. Listen well. Don’t be too hasty to push your own agenda,” she said.

Richards also highlighted the downside to fostering. She said that some experiences can be akin to a nightmare when the foster parents find out that they got a child that has issues and is proving to be more than they bargained for.

She said this is where stubborn love comes in and that foster parents must demonstrate to the child that they won’t give up on him or her.

“As the individual who made the commitment, you have to do what is best for the child. What is best sometimes is not necessarily what is ideal, but you may have to reach out – talk to a counsellor – or ask for intervention from the children’s services agencies, whatever is needed, but you never give up on the child,” Richards advised.

Over the years, with several children experiencing her love, care, and protection, Richards said there is nothing more rewarding to her than seeing children transformed into beautiful adults. The joy of knowing that you made a difference in another person’s life is also indescribable, she admitted.

Richards advised that before anyone considers the option of fostering, the individual should ensure that he or she would be in it for the long haul and not bolt when the going gets rough.

“The joy of seeing little eyes light up because of change is awe-inspiring! Being able to share the little blessings we are favoured with by giving to others makes our hearts glad. Seeing them take on the world and be able to use what we deposited in them for their own benefit and growth is a pay back like no other. Watching the duplication in process as those we helped are now helping others is all inspiring,” Richards said.