Getting over blended-family issues

“Hey I might not really be your mother

That don’t mean that I don’t really love ya

And even though I married your father

That’s not the only reason I’m here for ya.”

– Blended Family by Alicia Keys

When two persons come together in marriage, with each having children of their own and they don’t share a child together, it can be quite challenging charting a course of harmonious co-existence under one roof.

Ann-Marie Longley-Williams, teacher and author of the soon-to-be released book, The Ready-made Family described the situation as “venturing down an unknown path not knowing what to expect”.

Taking it closer to home, she said her husband joined a family (hers) that had already started and it was difficult as they tried to understand each other’s personalities.

“Initially, we had a lot of personality clashes. It can be a very difficult situation if everyone is not willing to work together to ensure that achievement of one common goal is attained. What we failed to understand in the beginning of our new adventure was that each of us has different personalities and so each should be appreciated,” she shared.

Longley-Williams said that lack of respect on the part of her children was never an issue, but the issue surrounded parenting styles.

“I believe that children should be given care and comfort, while my husband believed in tough love,” she said, adding that other issues such as differences in opinion on how to operate as a unit are also issues that may affect a mixed family.

According to Longley-Williams, there will be times when it feels as though you are dealing with two separate families in the same household, and that can cause tension and unnecessary arguments. Situations like those take time to resolve, she said, and effort and prayer will allow for a smooth transition into the new life, the aim of which is to be happy in the Lord.

Sharing some pitfalls to avoid in the quest for unity in the family, Longley-Williams said constant arguments, especially in the presence of the children, should be avoided.

“A lot of times, there are so many arguments and tension in the atmosphere, that it drowns out the way these things affect the children, leaving a bigger wound to heal in the long run,” she said, advising that one should not overthink the reason why someone does what they do, as this may cause unforgiveness and hatred.

Another thing to avoid is going into the relationship too strong. A period of observing should be done first before rushing in with too many heavy rules.

Two different sets of children, how do both parents blend them together?

For households with two different sets of children, Longley-Williams, who said thankfully in her case there were no additional children until she gave birth to her daughter two years after her marriage, children coming together should first be sensitised about the new environment they will be living in.

“Help them to understand that they are all loved and treat them equally, whether or not the other parent is around. So the realisation that everyone is equal and there are no favourites will help them to be more respectful to each other and to develop a relationship that is good and lasting,” she stressed.

With COVID-19 and a lot of families having to cut back as they deal with scarce resources, Longley-Williams said it is important now more than ever for families in this scenario to focus on needs, as there will always be ‘wants’ in the family.

She said, no matter the size of the household, quality time with each other should be a priority, as this creates a bond and encourages happiness.

“For my husband and I, we both decided that we would go on dates each month on the date that we got married. It happened for the first two years. However, when the baby came, it got harder as more time needed to be spent taking care of her. I remember for our anniversary after the birth of our daughter, we had dinner at home with the baby in our laps taking turns to comfort her,” she shared.

familyandreligion@gleanerjm.com