A concise guide to pelvic policing

It has come to my attention that many Jamaicans are very interested in what people are doing with certain body parts below their belts and above their knees. So, being the helpful person that I am, I decided to construct a guide to pelvic policing to assist them with their pudendal preoccupations.

THE PELVISES OF CHILDREN

The organs here should only be used by their owners for urination, defecation, the breaking of wind, menstruation (in the case of adolescent girls) and the occasional wet dreams in boys. There is to be absolutely no touching of these areas by others, especially adults, unless the children are being bathed by parents or caregivers or examined by medical personnel. Any other touching or manipulation should be reported to 1-888-PROTECT (1-888-776-8328) or the Centre for Investigation of Sexual Offences & Child Abuse (CISOCA) on 876-926-7318.

MEN: YOUR PELVIS

Wash your penis, and wash it well, at least once a day. A dirty penis can bring death and destruction in the forms of penile cancer and cancer of the cervices of the women who entertain them. Examine your groin, penis, scrotum, perineum and anal area for lumps, bumps, sores and rashes, and if any are found, seek medical attention.

If during sex you 'dun' too quick or are unable to 'rise to the occasion', you could be suffering from premature ejaculation or erectile dysfunction respectively. Seek help, as these issues will not earn you ratings in the bedroom, and will adversely affect your chances of landing a job in the porn industry.

There should be no blood in your urine or stool. If you experience burning during urination, or have a discharge, you could have caught something and may require antibiotics. If you have multiple partners and procreation is not your goal, pinch, leave an inch and roll. If you have difficulty passing urine, your prostate could be enlarged.

As a matter of fact, if you are more than 40 years of age, you should be getting prostate checks. During this examination, the doctor places a gloved finger into your anus. Don't be silly about the whole thing. Getting a prostate exam does not make you gay, but, if during such an examination you see the doctor's two hands on the examination couch, on either side of you, while you feel yourself being probed, report it immediately to the Medical Council of Jamaica.

WOMEN: YOUR PELVIS

Wash your vagina and vulva, and wash them well, at least once a day. Douching is not necessary. The vagina was not meant to smell like a rose or Chanel No. 5. As with men, look for lumps, bumps, sores and rashes in the pelvic area, and blood should not be in your urine or stool. If you pass urine too frequently or experience pain on urination, you may be having a bladder infection.

Shaving is optional, but under no circumstance should you try to cream or process the hair down there, or you might end up like a schoolmate of my wife's, who was admitted to the Cornwall Regional Hospital and earned the nickname 'cream front'. (I guess she wanted to see new 'front hairs'.) If you have reached the age of 16 and have never seen a period, or if you stop seeing periods before age 40 or if your cycle is unpredictable, or if you bleed after the menopause, seek medical attention, preferably from gynaecologist. Also, if your flow is too heavy, prolonged or painful, a visit to that specialist would also be in order.

Protect your cervix by doing regular Pap smears. If you notice a discharge, itching or irritation you may be infected with micro-organisms (not to be confused with micro-orgasms, which are tiny orgasms) and may require antibiotics or antifungal drugs. Speaking of orgasms, if you do not achieve these during penetrative intercourse, there is no need to feel inadequate. Many women experience this. If you can achieve this with your own hands, there is hope. As a matter of fact, there are distinct advantages regarding this, as your hands cannot give you STIs, impregnate you, stalk you or give you 'bun'.

If after one year of regular, unprotected intercourse you fail to conceive, you and your partner should probably be investigated for infertility. Yes, both of you. 'Bird cyaa fly pon one wing', and 'one han cyaa clap'. It does not matter if he says that he has an offspring.

The child could be a jacket.

If you miss a period, do a pregnancy test. If it is positive, congratulations. If you were not using contraception and the man who put his penis in your vagina was not using a condom, do not act surprised; you planned it. Duh!

THE PELVISES OF OTHER CONSENTING ADULTS

This is none of your darn business. What others do with their ding-a-lings, nut sacks, vajayjays and butt holes is no concern of yours. If penises are inserted into vaginas, anuses, mouths, navels, armpits, nose holes, ear holes, eye sockets or dimples, once these orifices, crevices and creases do not belong to you (or your partner or a minor), you have nothing to worry about. Just sip your tea, look the other way and discuss the weather. Although, if your neighbour engages in unprotected nasal sex, the subsequent sneezing and coughing that is bound to ensue may disturb your sleep and keep you up a night.

If, like me, anal sex is not your cup of tea, do what I do; don't do it.
And if you find yourself so disturbed about penises in anuses that you find yourself taking out full-page ads in newspapers or holding up placards at university campuses or public parks, you just could be homosexual and experiencing reaction formation, a phenomenon in which people find aspects of themselves so unacceptable that their self-loathing leads them to obsess and hit out against those tendencies in others.

Yes, it sounds weird, but this happens much more often than you might think. If you don't believe me, go to Google, enter 'anti-gay activists caught being gay', hit 'search' and see the multitude of stories that pop up. But not to worry, gayness is not an illness and is not contagious, so you will not require therapy for it.

You may, however, require therapy to deal with your hypocrisy, for being a pain in the ass to those whose asses you police, and to come to terms with the real you.

So there you have it, a concise guide to pelvic policing. I hope that you found the above information useful.

- Michael Abrahams is a gynaecologist and obstetrician, comedian and poet. Email feedback to columns@gleanerjm.com and michabe_1999@hotmail.com, or tweet @mikeyabrahams.