Michael Abrahams | Nasty, dirty, filthy sex

Sex is a wonderful thing, and people everywhere are doing it. For most who voluntarily engage, it is one of the most enjoyable activities on Earth, and possibly on other planets as well.
There are many different types of sex and sexual activites, ranging from oral and anal sex, to intercrural sex (non-penetrative sex where the penis is placed between the other partner’s thighs), to good, old masturbation which comes in hand(y) when you are unable to access the real thing. Sexual acts can also involve more than two persons at a time. There are many permutations and combinations when it comes to sex but, for simplicity, I will confine this discussion to penile-vaginal intercourse between a man and a woman.
People, sex is here to stay. It was here at the beginning, and we will be bumping and grinding when Donald Trump, Vladimir Putin and Kim Jong-un discharge their nuclear missiles (extensions of their small penises) and destroy humanity and all evidence of its existence.
Some of you would have had sex before reading this article, some of you will have sex after reading it, and some of you may even be having sex while reading about me talking about you having sex, although that would not say much about the person that you are having sex with.

Sex, at least between consenting adults, has been found to have many benefits. It can improve heart health, lower blood pressure, boost the immune system, facilitate sleep, increase self-esteem, enhance bonding and intimacy in relationships and is a great way to relieve stress. Also, in men, regular ejaculation lowers the risk of prostate cancer. Sex between two people who love, are attracted to, and know how to please each other can be one of the most satisfying, fulfilling and mind-blowing experiences a human being can enjoy. Of course, there are risks such as sexually transmitted infections, unwanted pregnancies and emotional complications, but these can be minimised with the use of appropriate contraceptives and common sense.
Unfortunately, sex has got a bad rap. Jokes about it are referred to as being 'dirty'. Material with sexual content is described by some as 'filth'. The act of sexual intercourse is called doing the 'nasty'. When you hear something, and link a sexual connotation with it, you are told to take your mind out of the 'gutter'.
The vilification of sex, to me, is one of the strangest phenomena that exists. Many of us are straight-up hypocrites. We hear people make explicit sexual remarks, condemn them for being perverted, and then go home and shout out those same words while we are in the throes of ecstasy. We behave as if it is sinful, but during the act scream out “Oh God” as if we want to draw His attention to it, kind of like waving to police while breaking a red light.
Apart from those conceived with the aid of assisted reproductive techniques, we are here because our parents had sex, although the thought of our parents getting busy will make most of us nauseated. Personally, the image of my parents engaging in coitus right now disturbs me greatly, mainly because my father died 20 years ago and was cremated, and the thought of his ashes all over my mother’s body makes me cringe.
But yes, almost everybody on the planet is here because of sex.
The question is, with sex being such a hugely popular activity, why does it attract so many negative adjectives? Why do so many get uptight at the thought of something going up in something tight? Much of it has to do with religion, at least in our culture. For some reason, with Christianity, for example, sex is a bad thing until two people say “I do”, and then, suddenly and magically, it becomes the most beautiful experience ever, endorsed by the Father, the Son, the Holy Spirit and the angels in Heaven who are apparently all voyeurs, 'preeing' our bedroom, bathroom and car-back seat activities from their celestial observation deck. This is intensified by persons who are convinced that the Bible is the inerrant word of God, and whose warped interpretations lead them to conclude that sex, especially outside of marriage, is gross.
For example, I have heard of men of the cloth telling congregants that any position other than the missionary position is evil. Apparently, the mere thought of a backshot makes their heads explode, and with so many of them guided by their patriarchal and misogynistic mindsets, the concept of a woman on top, in a position of control and dominance, freaks the living daylights out of their numb and vacuous skulls. I was told of another who referred to G-strings as the 'Devil’s handbag'.
This type of nonsense leads believers to think and say really weird stuff, like the woman who told a psychologist that when her teenage son spoke to her about having morning erections, she told him to “pray them away”, neglecting to tell the boy that his presence in the universe is a result of his father thrusting one of those inside her and launching millions of mini tadpole-shaped torpedoes.
We need to be honest and realistic about sex. Instead of vilifying it, acknowledge that we are sexual creatures, and that having sexual feelings and thoughts are not going to send us to Hell for eternity. Our children are in dire need of appropriate and honest sex education, free of religious dogmas and doctrines and cultural myths. But before we educate our children, we must educate ourselves.
Michael Abrahams is an obstetrician and gynaecologist, comedian, and poet. Email feedback to columns@gleanerjm.com.