Tony Deyal | Bread, dread or dead – take your pick

I had made a New Year resolution to lose 20 pounds. However, Christmas came first, and now I have 24 pounds to go, and counting. But as one of my friends said when I told him what the great prediction experts expect, “Tony. Better bread than dread or worse, dead!” In any case, why should I worry about my health when the great French Astro, Nostradamus, despite his death in 1566, had predictions for this year and beyond, notwithstanding his belief that it might end with us very, very soon. Nostradamus expects that a giant asteroid will collide with Earth or come dangerously close enough to wipe us out. A Brazilian, Athos Salome, known as the “Living Nostradamus”, predicts an imminent World War 111 fuelled by a “global system collapse”. What is worrying is that Athos, while not a Damus, is definitely not an “A-hole”. He predicted the COVID-19 pandemic, Elon Muck buying Twitter (or X), and the death of Queen Elizabeth 11.

Then there is the female Bulgarian Mystic and Healer, Baba Vanga, and she is expecting a global economic crisis, triggered by shifting geopolitical power and escalating debt. First, there will be rising tensions and financial instability. Then it will be followed by a precarious global situation. If that is not enough, there is the Old Moore Almanack, which has been published for 260 years. It expects an attempt to kill Trump, the assassination of Elon Musk, and as if that is not enough, it expects hard times for the US dollar.

Actually, if I had a US dollar and expecting the end of time, I would have been like the drunk man who woke up in jail on New Year’s Eve and asked the police office, “Why am I here?” The cop replied, “For drinking!” “Great!” the man laughed, feeling much better already, “When do we start?” I must say that with my two children especially, I am so worried. not just by what’s to come but what I expect that I will stay up on this New Year’s Eve, not to see the New Year in, but also to ensure that the present one leaves. But in the Caribbean these days, perhaps, with the exception of Barbados, I go for a Russian proverb for this New Year. In other words, this year coming up will be worse than last year but certainly better than next year. This is why the best New Year’s resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other. Or better yet, do like the guy who took a drink of champagne and shouted, “Happy New Year!” The bartender told him loudly to shut up because “It’s still hours away.” “Sorry,” the man said, “My doctor told me I sometimes suffer from premature congratulations.” In fact, looking at what could be coming at us, I feel we should all be thinking about premature recalculations.

SEVEN JOKES

This leads me to seven jokes or stories, one for each day between Christmas and New Year. The first is not to judge a book by the cover. Why? One friend of mine who owns books like the Kama Sutra and the Perfumed Garden bought one called Twenty Ways to Mate: Translated from the French with Original Illustrations. In trying to sell it to me, he explained, “How could I have known it was about chess?” The second is to be careful with language. A man was beaten up by a busty woman in an elevator. He was staring at her front when she asked, “Would you please press one?” He did. He didn’t remember much after that … . The third is to know when not to speak or respond. A wife asked her husband, “Do I please you in bed?” He replied, “Yes, I love that trick you do with your mouth.” She asked, “What trick?” He replied, “The one where you shut up and go to sleep.” Number four is when you need not to make jokes or even to be serious. A man’s wife asked him how many women he’d slept with. He told her, “Only you.” Then stupidly, he joked, “All the others keep me awake all night!” The doctor told him that he should be able to see again in about ten days. The broken arm will take about a month. Five for the road, “A wife told her husband, ‘Look at that drunk guy. Ten years ago, he proposed to me, and I rejected him’.” The husband responded, “Oh my God! He’s still celebrating … .”

Then number six, one that has been around for a long time. A little boy killed a butterfly, and his father was angry. “No butter for two weeks,” his father shouted. The boy, just a few weeks later, killed a honeybee, and the father made it clear, “No honey for two weeks.” Then his mom killed a cockroach, and the little boy turned to his dad and said, “Are you going to tell her, or should I?” This one, number seven, is for the road for two. A woman walked into the pharmacy and asked the pharmacist for some arsenic. He added, “What for?” She replied, “I want to kill my husband.” He said, “Sorry, madam, I can’t do that.” She then reached into her handbag and pulled out a photo of her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife and handed it to him. He looked at it and then said, “You didn’t tell me you had a prescription … .”

I don’t even have a conscription, and if I’m not careful with my humour, I might end up with the police looking for me with a description or even a lip-retraction. While I heard a pastor say that the best prayer he ever heard was, “Lord, please make me the kind of person my dog thinks I am”, that is not for me. Ours runs when she sees me because I get ill if she’s around. While I admit that life is something that although sexually transmitted, should not be taken seriously as nobody gets out alive, I still need to ponder on, and wonder at, its mysteries, mazes, and magic. Is it, as Shakespeare says, “A walking shadow”, or is it merely a four-letter word? If all the world’s a stage, where does the audience sit? How does one face life? Some people say that each of us should face life with a smile. According to Monica Lewinsky, this is the second-best thing you can do with your lips. One school of thought is that you should seek to benefit your fellowman by contributing to his welfare. Invariably, however, one good turn only gets most of the blanket. There is an inherent contradiction here. It is the eternal question, “If love is blind, why does Victoria’s Secret lingerie sell so well?”

Tony Deyal was last seen explaining that when he was younger, women used to kiss him on his lips, but it’s all over now. Send feedback to columns@gleanerjm.com.