Sevana and Joby Jay say it’s OK to be single

In most cultures, it is taught that by a certain age, a woman should be in a committed relationship and should be ready to start reproducing. The same applies for a man. But what if there is no immediate desire for the traditional way of life?

“It’s almost like people start to fretting for you,” says Associate Psychologist and Wellness Specialist Kamala McWhinney, host of the therapeutic online series, the JN Circle Thrive Together Life Class, in response to a comment from a participant about being single at a certain age.

“So how come you reach here so? You have the house, you have the car, you have the degree, so how come you …?” she pantomimed the end of her rhetorical questions to emphasise her point.

“Society puts certain stigmas on singleness. Automatically, it means nobody’s choosing you, or you’re not desirable enough to be chosen,” she related, in response to the thoughts of her guests: gender specialist and lecturer Carla Moore; marketer Noran Price; and singers Joby Jay and Sevana Siren.

For women, the questions may sound like: “‘What happen to the baby?’ ‘When you going to turn a mother?’ ‘When you going to get the ring?’ McWhinney continued.

Though the expert related the issues of her peers, Noran Price shared that the pressures are also great for single men.

“We have that pressure to get married or remarry (if divorced).” Price, a divorcee and single. “I have one child and every time I get asked: ‘When you going to give her a little sister or brother’?” Price also mentioned that none of these persons have ever asked if he wants another a child. He attributes this to socialisation as it is believed that if a man does not have a child by a certain age then something is wrong with him.

GET TO KNOW YOURSELF

For Sevana, before taking the plunge into a relationship, there has to be a period of intentional singlehood.

“Once you realise that you want a partner to settle down with, then you should go straight into singleness and be celebratory about it,” she said.

“Write down your issues and figure out what causes your reaction to things; and then, maybe, you will be able to be a useful partner,” she advised, agreeing that the journey isn’t necessarily pleasant, as it means examining your faults in addition to your fine qualities.

For these reasons, fellow singer and songwriter Joby Jay insists that being single is not taboo, and she rejects the pressure placed on persons who are, or choose to be, single.

“I believe we put too much pressure on ourselves, and I think we allow how we have been socialised and what we see as the norm to put pressure on us. I don’t think there is anything wrong with being single. I think it’s normal and it shouldn’t be something that’s frowned on,” she opined.

She also agrees that singlehood is a period for catharsis, in which one can learn truths about oneself and come to terms with them.

“Sometimes what you learn is not always positive. Sometimes you learn that ‘you have some ways that are not so nice’,” she affirmed.

“I am single on purpose,” declared Carla Moore. “I choose to be single.”

The animated and effervescent gender specialist underscored that singlehood is an opportunity to know yourself.

“When you are in a relationship, a lot of the time you don’t pay any attention to yourself. A lot of us, we keep dating in high school and university, we just keep dating. There is no break where you are deliberately single for the purpose of working on yourself,” she shared.

Consequently, some persons wind up finding themselves in the same kinds of relationships, no matter how different their partner seemed when the relationship started.

“The issue is you, and it’s actually your issues being mirrored back to you, by this partner,” Moore emphasised.

According to Moore, individuals need to be comfortable with themselves before they enter into a relationship.

‘Singledom’, as she coins it, is a period of healing to avoid growing into that ‘bitter old woman’.

“Being happy isn’t an easy choice at times,” Price chimed in, agreeing that self-introspection is important. He said people need to examine their faults and not allow themselves to wallow in the mentality of the victim.