‘Madame Web’ – a dizzying disappointment

Being a film critic has its ups and downs. One day, you’re on the red carpet talking to stars at a world premiere, and the next, you’re in a near-empty cinema watching the latest attempt at kick-starting a superhero franchise. It’s a long and winding road but even its detours can be infinitely entertaining. Such is the case with Madame Web, a movie so bad that it barely fits the criteria of a complete film, yet it captivated me with every moment.

As Spider-Man is entangled with the good team over at Marvel Studios, his back catalogue of secondary characters continues to be mined for more than they’re worth. Make no mistake, Madame Web herself is a fascinating character, but her execution in this film is not. While her enigmatic and theatrical origin gave me awe-inspiring entertainment in the 1990s Spider-Man cartoon, Dakota Johnson inspires awkwardness.

Johnson’s performance as Cassie Webb is one of the hardest I had to watch in a long while. Her line readings and facial expressions range from emotionally out of place to distractingly vacant. Her performance aside, the script has the character making mind-boggling choices, resulting in a cringe-worthy spectacle that is both painful to watch and impossible to ignore.

As if that wasn’t good enough, the story is also a travesty. A man with spider-like abilities named Ezekiel is on the hunt for three young women destined to grow into his killers. As he’s cursed with visions of his death, he’s forced to take action to bring an end to his torment. Thankfully, a brush with death gives Cassie visions of her own, and she soon finds herself the reluctant protector of Ezekiel’s prey.

The movie takes you on a wild ride that leaves you with more questions than answers. Those questions aren’t so much to how these strange and supernatural things occur. The movie details its mystery plainly with heavy exposition and painfully obvious plotting. The curiosity of the film is why the characters do what they do.

Cassie Webb’s ingenious plan to hide from the villain is to drive a stolen taxi cab into the woods, bust out its licence plates, yet continue to use the suspicious vehicle despite turning it into a red flag with wheels. All this is done after the police already suspect Cassie as a kidnapper, but, by the time you’re finished contemplating that particular bad move, the movie has already put forward eight more.

The worst thing about Madame Web is its few kernels of potential. The cast does their best but can only do so much with the bad dialogue they’re given. It feels like something that could have been served well as a pilot for a TV series, but, as a movie, it’s a bewildering mess that feels either underwritten or lazily executed. It’s not fit for the cinema, but, like an out of control car wreck, it’s certainly a sight.

Rating: Catch it on cable

Damian Levy is a reviewer and podcaster for Damian Michael Movies