Imani Tafari-Ama | Sex and its bedfellows

Sex is a touchy subject, no pun intended. From conception to the grave, sex drives desire, power relationships, identity projects, advertising campaigns, political intrigue, religious dogma, and educational curricula. In other words, sex meanders through all walks of life. The Church and civil society are watchdogs for curricula content for sex education. Some critics contend that this cautionary approach curtails critical thinking about sex, sexuality, and gender, all related in the identity complex. The notion of older people having sex is also something of a cultural aberration as if there should be a cut-off point somewhere in the fifties, especially if one is single.

The Judeo-Christian ethic has been liberally dispersed throughout society by state and church institutions. Children are taught “right” and “wrong” approaches to sex. In Jamaica, this means that children learn that heterosexuality is right. By contrast (and by law), homosexuality enjoys taboo (wrong) status. Of course, this does not mean that many people do not cut against the normative grain.

The potential of sex to lead to pregnancy introduces the issue of parental control (or lack thereof) over children’s capacity to indulge their carnal urges. The mixing of pleasure and danger in the sex arena makes it a titillating experience. Although a no-frills approach is some people’s preference, most people attach practices of romantic love to sex. This makes the process more attractive and enhances the pathway to the coitus culmination.

Men are also judged on their ability to romance a woman whether with lyrics, flowers, dinners, dances, or money. For some women, “ain’t nothing going on but the rent” is a trigger phrase for the sex-for-materiality transaction. Many a union is made or broken based on the system of exchange that comes into play, contingent on the sex variable. Remember that song by Gwen Guthrie?

No romance without finance …

Nothing from nothing leaves nothing

You’ve gotta have a something if you wanna be with me

Oh, life’s too serious

Love’s too mysterious

Fly girl like me

Needs security.

Guthrie declared in between the lines that she would not be having sex without getting material support in return. She said she would be avoiding the man who was unemployed, making a clear connection between sex and social security.

The notion of conception is also fraught with religious, moral, political, economic, and gender-sensitive contradictions. The Church declares dogmatically that couples should not consider having sex before marriage. In this context, sex is conceived as a sin. Yet the State has institutionalised 16 as the age of sexual consent. In other words, children have the technical authority to have sex even before they attain the age of adulthood at 18. See the trouble now! Parents are in the precarious position of presiding over the sex lives of their children who can have sex if they want to because the State allows them to do so.

RED LINE

Although children are having sex, there is a red line that curtails frank discussion about this reality. The Women’s Centre of Jamaica Foundation enables girls to continue their education after pregnancy. This initiative addresses the missed-opportunities syndrome that affects parents and children alike because of children’s early parenting. The staunch religious approach adopted by this institution provides a deterrent for getting pregnant again, without planning.

Acknowledgement that children are having sex does not mean condoning it. Most parents do not want their children having sex at 16. The girl child is not fully developed physically or emotionally at this stage. Rationality, emotional intelligence, and decision-making skills are still developing during the teenage years. Medical experts say these capabilities come to maturity around age 25.

Many adolescents and youth who are having sex are in trial-and-error mode. However, because they are having sex/relationships, many adults, including parents, switch to treating these developing human beings as independent. Some girls may also be responding to great social pressure in their communities to prove their fertility. Having children confronts the stigma of being a ‘mule’. This practice is attached to deep-seated self-esteem issues.

Without love, guidance, and care, developing children become fractured adults. Serial pathologies surrounding sex are legion. New lovers may bear the brunt of their partner’s living memories of past wounds. The new partner’s transgression may be related to innocently triggering unresolved feelings from previous encounters. Without discipline and the skill of forgiveness, partners may not demonstrate the ability for navigating personal sex-related minefields. This may affect life chances in other spheres.

As individualism culture expands, the extended family is under threat. Young people in search of upward social mobility are having fewer children. For those in the gap, grandparents – especially grandmothers, are go-to caregivers. Especially in the first year. In countries like the United States (US), day care facilities can cost $600 per week. If the young mother is unemployed, her feet are tied in the poverty cycle. Worse yet, if the grandmother is employed, the young mother is stuck until time affords more mobility.

The socialisation process

Courtship rituals and family succession planning should be part and parcel of the socialisation process. Families should be integrally involved in the transitioning of young people into adulthood through initiation rites. These traditions should consider the sacred and profane dimensions of sex. In this process, adults should pass the responsibility mantle to their progeny with loving kindness rather than the trauma that accompanies many young peoples’ entry into the worlds of sex and its emotional intelligence bedfellow.

Instead of sweeping sex under the proverbial rug, it is important to address the underbelly of the beast. The social implications of Queen Ifrica’s Daddy Don’t Touch Me There! song still sounds the alarm about the dastardly crime of incest. The worrying constant of sexual abuse lurks in the shadows of insufficient shelters and treatment facilities for victims and survivors of sexual violence.

Unfortunately, so much advocacy is devoted to healing the hurts that may be caused by sex that looking at the bright side and claiming the pleasure of this pastime as an embodied and human right is rarely acknowledged as one of the finest aspects of life.

Imani Tafari-Ama, PhD, is a Pan-African advocate and gender and development specialist. Send feedback to i.tafariama@gmail.com and columns@gleanerjm.com.