Fathers coping through the grief

Adrian Laing, Kishawn Henry Sr, and Artnel Williams have never met each other, but the three fathers are bonded by grief birthed by the tragic loss of their children.

It is a sorrow that they say the celebrations of Father’s Day only serve to intensify.

“Normally, I would have all my kids around me, but it’s only my daughter now. It’s gonna be tough … I miss my boys,” Laing shared with The Sunday Gleaner last week.

In September last year, a fire claimed the lives of his three sons – eight-year-old Adrianno Laing and seven-year-old twins Jayden and Jorden Laing – in Springfield, Westmoreland. His daughter, 13-year-old Adrianna Laing, was the lone survivor.

Three months prior, Henry’s 23-month-old son Kishawn Jr, his three stepchildren – 15-year-old Kimanda Smith, 12-year-old Sharalee Smith, five-year-old Rafaella Smith – and his partner Kemesha Wright were hacked to death by their cousin Rushane Barrett in Cocoa Piece, Clarendon.

And in July 2018, Williams’ children – 23-month-old Aviere Williams and seven-day-old sister, Aranza Williams – and his partner Kashief Jackson were murdered and their house set ablaze in Mavis Bank, St Andrew, by Williams’ ex-girlfriend, Jamelia Leslie, who was aided by her brother, Javone Leslie.

The three fathers say the grief and pain of the immense loss under such tragic circumstances will forever haunt them, but they are finding their own ways to survive.

To all the fathers out there, the men plead: cherish every moment with your children; every second with them is precious.

Immersed in work

To cope, Henry, who is a soldier, said he buries himself in his work, but often the pain seeps through.

“Up until now mi have time when mi just cry, weh mi nuh have no control over it,” he said.

Although he admits that he knows it is not good for him, he told The Sunday Gleaner that he also isolates himself to avoid hearing about the incident that shocked the nation and dominated the news.

Henry said he was in a relationship with Wright for several years and cared deeply for his stepchildren. And the love was mutual, so much so that Father’s Day used to be one of their favourite days.

“When mi deh work mi nuh stop get calls from dem like two days before seh ‘daddy, mek sure yuh come home’ and all of that ... all of them, all the kids dem. When mi come home a bare surprises and all of that,” he recounted fondly.

Mentally, he said he is steeling himself to get through today, the first Father’s Day without his family. They were massacred on June 21 last year, two days after they showered him with daddy affection.

“Mi nuh have no plans fi go home, mi just a guh stay a work. Mi wah deh far from dere suh,” he said.

Through his work with the Jamaica Defence Force, the 27-year-old said he gets access to a therapist, who has been helping him to come to terms with the trauma he suffered. But although he knows that he cannot “change the process of what already happened”, and is determined to live on, he shared that he carries the heavy weight of guilt.

“Even now mi still blame myself seh if I was there…” he said as his voice trailed off, later noting that he was at work when the murders happened.

Five years of pain and blame

Like Henry, the role of protector for his family is one that Williams said he took very seriously. He told The Sunday Gleaner that he was away working in St Elizabeth when his family was taken from him.

It was a decision, though necessary to provide for his family, that he still ponders five years later, especially as this was not his ex-girlfriend’s first attempt to harm his family.

Williams said some months before, the now convicted murderer tried to poison his son, and although he was advised to pursue charges against her, he did not because they also shared a son together.

But now he blames himself for his family’s demise.

“She tried fi tek one life and mi beg fi har and she come back and tek three. Every day mi feel like a mi kill dem because mi beg fi har, and if mi neva beg fi har dat wouldn’t happen,” he said.

This regret keeps him up at nights, punctuated by bouts of loneliness and what he deems as his failure in his first attempt to be a “real dad”.

“Most of the nights I wake up crying cause the little boy always deh pon top a mi a sleep, mi haffi tek him offa mi a night time. When mi and him mother get back together, when mi go anywhere and come back home, as mi get through di door and him see mi, the first thing him do is hug mi up and kiss mi. Mi always remember that,” he warmly recalls.

Williams, who had eight children with five women, said he did not have the guidance of a father growing up, and for the first time he was working on building a stable family unit with Jackson. And while he is “not claiming to be the best dad”, the coffee farmer said he tried the best he knew how.

After the tragedy, he attempted counselling, but besides it costing him too much, he said he does not believe in its effectiveness to help him heal.

For now, the 47-year-old said he spends his time farming and working on building a relationship with the son he shares with Leslie, who lives with her relatives.

He also has the support of his relatives, but admits that sometimes he wishes they would break the ice and allow him to speak freely about his tragic experience that he acknowledged he has bottled up.

“Dem nuh ask mi bout it, if mi alright, how mi a keep up and all of that,” he said.

‘I try to heal myself’

In order to not dwell too much on the loss he has suffered on a day that should be celebratory, Laing said he will be spending Father’s Day in St Elizabeth with relatives who will help him keep the fond memories of his children alive.

“I choose not to see any photos of what happened or anything like that. I sent one of their aunts to the post-mortem. That’s the way I could cope with it, so any time I wanna remember them now I go inside my phone where I store the good memories, like some videos, some pictures, ‘cause that’s the way I cope with it,” he told The Sunday Gleaner.

But even though he shared that there is not a day that passes that he does not think of his boys, he is doubtful that counselling is the answer to help him deal with his sadness. Instead, he is taking a solitary and unorthodox method.

“I try to heal myself. I just knock up a place and stay there at the same place where it (the fire) take place. It is there that I am gonna heal by myself with no one around,” he said.

There are days, too, when he breaks down in tears over the loss of his sons, but he is finding strength in the resilience of his daughter, Adrianna, who suffered third-degree burns and recently completed complex medical treatment in the United States to save her life.

“I would always tell my kids that I am not gonna leave them, I’ll stick through thick and thin with them and raise dem right,” he said.

Laing, who is a single father, is encouraging fathers to be present in their children’s lives.

“No one knows what tomorrow holds, so every moment you can spend with your child or your children, must be a priority. Father’s Day is not a thing that the wider society deals with like Mother’s Day, so we as fathers have to just embrace ourselves and cherish our kids,” he said.

No right or wrong way to grieve

Acknowledging that losing a child is an incredibly painful and challenging experience for any parent, psychologist Jhanille Brooks told The Sunday Gleaner that gender roles as well as societal and cultural norms have led to men facing more challenges in processing their grief when compared to women.

“Traditional gender norms often encourage men to be tough, strong, and self-reliant. We tend to say ‘Man ah man’ and this often means that men should not express their emotions or be vulnerable. Boys and men are told to ‘gwaan hol’ it’ when they experience stress, hardship or trauma,” she said.

“These factors cause men to bottle up their emotions, show no ‘weakness’ and ‘be strong’ for everyone who depends on them.”

And although she noted that death and loss may give men a little leeway to express emotions, she contends that societal norms often dictate how much of that expression is okay.

“It is important to note that there is no right or wrong way to grieve, and each person’s journey will be unique. Patience, self-compassion, and allowing oneself to heal at your own pace are key,” Brooks said.

Below, the psychologist shares some advice on helping fathers to cope with the grief of losing a child.

sashana.small@gleanerjm.com

TIPS FOR FATHERS COPING WITH GRIEF

• Seek and accept su pport: Do not refuse help from friends and family members because of pride. Sharing thoughts, emotions, and memories with others who have experienced similar losses can provide validation, comfort, and a sense of community.

• Allow and express emotions: Grief often involves a range of emotions, including sadness, anger, guilt, and confusion. Allowing oneself to experience and express these emotions can facilitate the grieving process and provide a healthy emotional release.

• Find meaning and purpose: Finding ways to honour and remember your child can help in the grief journey. This can involve creating rituals, such as memorial services, dedicating a special space or object in remembrance, or engaging in activities that held significance for the child.

• Take care of your physi cal and mental well-bei ng: Grief can take a toll on your physical and mental health. Engaging in self-care practices is crucial for overall well-being and even more important in times of grief. This can involve maintaining a healthy routine, engaging in regular physical exercise, getting adequate rest, and seeking professional help if needed.

• Seek professional help: Grief is hard, multi-layered and complex and there are times when professional help is needed to navigate that process.

- Psychologist Jhanille Brooks