The greatest gift is your PRESENCE!

The year 2021 was a challenging one as we tried to navigate the new norm of having to “live with COVID-19”. Continued school closures, upticks in COVID-19 cases, increase in hospitalisations and death, and not to mention financial challenges. Numerous magazine articles and podcasts reminded us to “be grateful”, “keep pushing”, “practise self-care” and the like. We all know that as parents it can be quite challenging and, to be very frank, OVERWHELMING, when we are just trying to keep it together and be the very best parent we can be, despite everything happening around us.

However, this season has taught me, and I am sure many of you, how increasingly important it is to stay attuned to our thoughts and emotions. This is critical because this mindfulness and consciousness allow us to parent our children more effectively and build bonds and relationships that are long-lasting. As we celebrate the season of giving and look towards a new year, I encourage us to set some parenting goals. You do not have to believe in New Year Resolutions to do this.

As a follow-up to my last article that spoke to Conscious and Mindful Parenting, I encourage us to give our children the greatest gift we have to give (and it’s free!) – our PRESENCE.

Children thrive on feeling secure, and the most effective way to validate our love to our children is to give them us – just be present. This presence does not refer only to your physical presence, but involves being emotionally and psychologically present with your child. Our children need to know that they are being listened to and not just heard, and that their feelings and emotions are validated. At times we may get bogged down with work and other life obligations, but it is so important to practise balance in our lives.

The short story of The Five Balls of Life by Brian Dyson is a perfect depiction of this lesson. “Imagine life as a game in which you are juggling some five balls in the air. You name them – work, family, health, friends and spirit – and you’re keeping all of these in the air. You will soon understand that work is a rubber ball. If you drop it, it will bounce back. But the other four balls – family, health, friends and spirit – are made of glass. If you drop one of these, they will be irrevocably scuffed, marked, nicked, damaged or even shattered. They will never be the same.”

PRIORITIES IN CHECK

It is therefore very important that as parents we strive for balance in our lives, ensuring that we keep our priorities in check.

Dr Dan Siegel, clinical professor of psychiatry at the UCLA School of Medicine, created an acronym that speaks to this ‘presence’. It is PART – Presence, Attunement, Resonance and Trust. When we’re present with our children, it results in us being more attuned and aware of their inner world – their thoughts, their emotions, their feelings, their essence. Subsequently, this presence resonates with our children and leaves them with a sense of ‘feeling felt’. They develop the belief that they are truly seen and listened to and felt, and they become a lot more confident in their very existence, feeling safe and in turn they are able to develop a healthy sense of trust in their world and their environment. Trust and safety are the bases and foundations for the building of healthy and adaptive future relationships. We spoke about the legacy we are leaving for our children in the last article, the fact that parenting impacts generations. We definitely need future generations of adults who have a firm sense of who they are, adults who believe in themselves and believe in others, adults who trust and secure. Imagine the beautiful world we would have if we all just felt loved and secure, because growing up we were absolutely sure that someone would be there!

So, for the new year, when you start feeling yourself sinking into that abyss of confusion and overwhelmed when you have that deadline to meet or do not know how that bill will be paid, as your child tugs on you or cries out for your attention, just STOP. Stop, breathe and think. Take those moments to slow down and try doing something that will make you smile, something that will make your heart happy. Take every opportunity to enjoy those simple little moments with your child, make memories. Happy New Year!

Kellie-Anne Brown Campbell, MEd, PGDE, is a licensed associate school psychologist and principal (McCam Child Care and Development Centre).