Dear Counsellor | My husband won't forgive me for cheating

Q: My husband will not forgive me. We have been married for 13 years and the incident happened seven and half years ago. I was doing my first degree and my study partner, who was married, got carried away and we had sex. Both of us were disappointed and stopped studying together. My husband had accused me of having a relationship with him, but at that time, it was not true.

Initially, after being unfaithful, I denied it a few times. He kept pestering me and I admitted it and then all hell broke loose. He became like a mad man. He went a way for two days and I did not know where he was. When he returned, he was a changed man. To cut a long story short, he has since been unfaithful to me three times. He claims that he was given the green light based on my behaviour. At the least problem, he mentions my past indiscretion. We do not have a child and he now claims that he wants to have an outside child. That will be the last straw for me because I would leave him. Do you blame me?

A: You are realising that unfaithfulness is a serious mistake with awful consequences. Hopefully, you would have learnt from your mistakes and expressed regret to your husband. In addition, you would not have made a similar mistake again and realised that you should not get so close to anyone again. Perhaps your husband was seeing the danger of being so close to your study partner and you did not heed his advice. Perhaps telling him he was right and you were naive might help.

However, your husband is being unreasonable and foolish in his own indiscretions and his intended plan to have a baby with another woman. He has not got past your past unfaithfulness. He is living in the past. He is unable to move on. He does not realise that two wrongs do not make a right. Perhaps he had those secret desires for other women and your mistake gave him the opportunity to fulfil his dream He needs the professional help.

It is understandable if you leave him if he deliberately goes ahead and has a baby with another woman. It means he disrespects you. He no longer loves you and in his sick mind he is trying to punish you.

Both of you could do well with a counsellor.