Doctor's Advice | I have two boyfriends

Dr David Delvin, your doctor for some 50 years on these pages, with expert advice to you, has gone into retirement. For the month of August we go back in time to give you the some of the best of your Doctor's Advice. This one was published on December 6, 2009.

Q Doctor, I am 37 and I have to confess to you that I have two boyfriends. The problem is that during the last six months, I have started to feel pain during sex. It really hurts, but I do not feel pain at any other time.

The odd thing is that I scarcely ever get pain with one of my lovers, but with the other guy, I experience it almost every time. Why?

A I hope you will forgive me if I point out to you that in these days when infection is so common, you are leading a very dangerous life. Don't you think that it would be better to select one of these two men and end it with the other?

The next thing I must say is that when a woman in her 30s develops pain during intercourse, there is usually some good physical reason for it. In other words, I think that there must be some sort of 'disease process' going on deep inside the pelvis.

My best guesses are that you might have endometriosis (the painful condition which affects so many women over 30) or pelvic inflammatory disease, which is caused from an infection.

But it is clear to me that you must see a doctor as soon as possible. You need to have a thorough examination and samples sent to the lab for check-up. You should also have some swab tests taken for sending to the lab.

Finally, we turn to the question of why it hurts when making love to one man, but not with the other.

It is obvious that there must be some difference between the two.

It could be that one man may be built larger than the other, so he is probing deeper inside you. One man may be thrusting harder than the other one. One may be using slightly different sex positions.You may be more relaxed with one man than the other.

However, there is really no urgent need to sort out why you experience pain with one man and not with the other. What is urgent is that you go see a good doctor in order to get yourself investigated and then treated.

Q Doctor, to settle an argument with my friends, would you please tell me if it is safe to drink alcohol during pregnancy. I think it's OK to have an occasional drink, but my best friends and my mother maintain that I should not have any alcohol at all. Who is correct?

A They are. For decades, it was believed that drinking modest amounts of alcohol during pregnancy did not harm the unborn baby.

However, in recent years, it has become clear that alcohol is best completely avoided when you are pregnant.

Numerous studies have shown that even small amounts of alcohol can damage the baby, particularly its brain.

Regular alcohol consumption is more dangerous because it can give the child a serious condition called foetal alcohol syndrome, in which there is severe mental handicap.

It sounds like you may have had a few drinks, but, hopefully, not many since you became pregnant. I think you should now make it an absolute rule not to consume alcohol for the duration of your pregnancy. That would also be a good rule for any other expectant mother who is reading this article.

Q I am a 27-year-old man. For several years, I did not have sex, but recently resumed. I have noticed that whenever I have sex, I bleed a little. At first, I thought it was coming from the women, but now I realise that it is coming from inside me. It is not much, so could I ignore it?

A No, you must not. It is obvious that there must be something wrong inside your urinary tract. I do not think it is an infection, since this is not a regular symptom of any known kind of venereal disease.

My opinion is that you probably have a small polyp just inside the opening of your penis. A polyp is a type of wart caused from a virus, which you may have picked up long ago. You should see a doctor and have your penis checked out. Until then, please do not have sex. I am sure that your problem can be sorted out pretty quickly.

Q Doctor, to what extent can a woman who is not very sexually passionate be 'turned round' so that she becomes sexy? I ask because I am thinking of marrying a 34-year-old woman who has never been very turned on by sex. Do you think that by marrying her, I can alter her attitudes?

A Well, the simple process of marrying her is certainly not going to turn her into some sort of 'hottie-hottie sex bomb'. But if you are a man who is good at love play, takes his time, knows all about romance and cuddling, and who can stimulate the clitoris for half an hour or more without giving up, there is a good chance that you can make this woman much more interested in having sex with you.

If she is really very uninterested in sex at the moment, then it would be a good plan to pay for her to have some sessions with an expert counsellor. I would say that that is particularly important if she has difficulty climaxing. I wish you both well. Make sure that the two of you keep talking to each other about what you both want to achieve in bed. Silence will solve nothing!

Q While I was away on business in Kingston last month, leaving my wife at home, I had a one-night stand with a female colleague. What are the chances that I picked up some form of venereal disease, Doctor?

A In men, sexually transmitted infections (STIs) usually produce symptoms. If you have none, then an STI is unlikely, though it is still possible.

However, if you have any symptom relating to your genitals, such as pain when you pass urine, a discharge on the pants, or a lump or raw place, then the chances of an STI are very high. In any case, I would advise you to have a medical check-up, preferably before you have sex with your wife. And if you have already had sex with your spouse, then she should also have a genital check-up. It may be difficult to arrange this without causing a fuss.