Doctor's Advice | Can my wife learn how to climax?

Q: Dear Doctor, could my wife learn to orgasm even though she has never previously done so? She is 29, and I am 28. We have been married for three years and we plan to have children in the near future. I would describe our sex life as good, but the fact is that she has never ever orgasmed in her life.

A No, it is never too late to learn how to climax. Research has shown that many women first achieve an orgasm in their 30s, or even 40s. I have seen one or two women who have learnt the 'trick' while in their 50s.

The most positive aspect of your story is that you obviously want to help her achieve an orgasm, and that is good.

I would give you three pieces of advice:

1. When you are in bed, always try to create a loving and romantic atmosphere.

2. Learn how to stimulate her clitoris and the area close to it because, basically, that is where most female orgasms arise.

3. Along with your wife, look at one of the useful websites which provide information about how to bring a woman to orgasm.

Q I would appreciate some advice about my sex life and my menses. I am a divorcee in my mid-30s. Until recently, I had not had sex for many years (in fact, since my husband left me). But last month, I met a very nice young man. He complimented me on my appearance and bought me a drink. I found him to be a 'fun guy'. Much to my surprise, he kissed me, which was very pleasant.

After a few days, we went further. To cut a long story short, Doc, I allowed him to have sex with me. It was very enjoyable, and I was pleased to have done it. I decided, however, that it would probably be best if the relationship did not go any further, so I have not seen him since then. A week ago, I realised that I have not seen my menses this month. Do you think there is any chance that this could be due to early menopause?

A That seems most unlikely to me, especially as you seem to be only around 35. There are various possible causes for a missed period, but statistically the most likely cause is that you are pregnant.

Did it not occur to you that you might conceive a child by this nice young man? Anyway, the really important thing now is that you should do a pregnancy test right away. If it transpires that you are expecting a baby, then I guess you should contact this young man immediately. Incidentally, I am not quite sure why you 'called time' on your relationship with him. It seems like there could, perhaps, be a good future in it.

Q Doc, soon after my 30th birthday, I found that my erections were kind of 'waning'. I went to my doctor and he gave me Viagra 50mg tablets. Unfortunately, these have not worked at all. I went to bed with my girlfriend three times last week and I didn't manage to make it on any of those occasions. Help me, please!

A Sorry to hear about this. I hope your doctor has checked you for various medical conditions that can cause 'loss of nature', such as diabetes (sugar). What you should do now is to switch to the higher dose of Viagra, which is 100 milligrams. That quite often works when the 50 milligrams strength hasn't.

Also, you should take care to swallow the tablet when you have a pretty empty stomach. A lot of men don't realise that taking Viagra on a full stomach makes it very difficult for the medication to get through. If these measures are not successful, ask your doctor to try you on one of the other erection-inducing tablets, which include Cialis and Levitra. If all else fails, I feel it would help you to get some counselling from a therapist who deals with sexual problems. There may be some sexual 'hang-up', which can cause you to partially lose your nature at the unusually young age of 30.

Q Doc, does oral sex count as adultery? I love my husband and hope to stay married to him for life. But while I was away at a university seminar three months ago, I met a handsome male lecturer. There was a beach barbecue at the end of the course and, somehow, I found myself smooching in his arms. He persuaded me to go into the palm trees with him and, for a few seconds, I dropped to my knees on the sand and gave him oral sex. I realised what I was doing and ran back to the barbecue. Was this adultery? Should I tell my husband?

A By definition, adultery involves sexual intercourse and, fortunately, you did not do that. However, for a wife to give fellatio to another man is very dangerous. I must say that it was very sensible of you to break off from that act and return to the barbecue. I hope you will not be seeing this lecturer again.

As to whether you tell your husband, that is up to your conscience. Frankly, though, I feel that it would not be wise to do so. Men can react in a very emotional or even violent way when they are told that their wives have done such things. What I feel you should do is to talk with a pastor or counsellor who you could consult in complete confidence. Things cannot be totally perfect in your marriage if you went off into the trees to give a man 'oral'! So a period of counselling with a trusted person could be very helpful in preserving your marital unit.

Q Is it true that breastfeeding gives a woman protection against pregnancy, Doc?

A Yes, it does give you some protection against conception. But it has to be fairly intensive and daily breastfeeding - not just a little bit now and then. Generally speaking, breastfeeding affects a woman's hormones in such a way as to prevent the menses returning for a while. It should also prevent you from ovulating (that is, releasing 'ova' or eggs).

But in order to be totally safe, it is usually a good idea to take some other form of contraception as well. The mini-Pill is a popular choice for new mothers who are breastfeeding. That is because of the fact that, unlike the 'ordinary' Pill, it does not stop the milk.

Q I saw on the Internet that a male contraceptive injection would be available shortly. How soon could I use it, Doc?

A So far, this jab - which is called 'Vasalgel' - has only been tested on monkeys and rabbits. I would be pleasantly surprised if it is available for men in the next five years.