Surviving the Christmas dinner in a dysfunctional family

"You and I must make a pact

We must bring salvation back,

Where there is love, I'll be there. (I'll be there)

I'll reach out my hand to you

I'll have faith in all you do.

Just call my name and I'll be there. (I'll be there)."

Jackson Five - I'll Be There

It's that time of year again when the feverish planning for the Christmas family dinner takes place.

Unfortunately, there is no getting around the fact that sometimes it is not the perfect family unit as there are some who 'just can't take tea' with each other. Filled with a zeal to unite the family, the invitation is extended in the hope that the season will provide the motivating factor to once again piece together the family unit.

Of course, all the planning in the world may not yield the desired results, and it is with that in mind that Family and Religion sought the advice of Rozanne Comrie, author, speaker and advocate against child sexual abuse, on ways to enjoy the desired results in a dysfunctional family setting.

 

EMOTIONAL PRESSURE

 

Acknowledging that a setting like this with mixed emotions has the potential to ruin the holidays, Comrie said meeting families can definitely rekindle a lot of old memories, especially when the hatchet has not in the least been burried.

"The festive season usually puts a lot of pressure on people, and being in the same space with the person you least favour can definitely be a disaster. Crazy tempers flaring, highly stressed host, bickering children, grumpy grandparents, last-minute preparations to ensure that everything and everyone falls in place, can stir up enough tension in the atmosphere," she pointed out.

With all that chaos and confusion, Comrie recommended trying to manage having everyone together with the focus being on the now and not the past.

She said it would also be a good idea to address the issue of the past hurt and discuss the conflict in detail with a view to healing and moving past it.

Planning dinners with some divided family members on board, Comrie said it is also a great idea for all to just focus on the positives instead of zoning in on the bad traits of each person - identify the good one.

"Be fun, create moments together as a family such as decorating the tree together, play a game, have a carol-singing or dance-off competition, or decorate some cookies together. Add a touch of playfulness and humour to the day," shared Comrie, adding that the focus should not be on the gifts, but rather more on the family togetherness and bonding, serving with a joyful and cheerful heart.

 

PRIVATE SPACE

 

According to her, it is very important on these occasions to "be sensitive to person's private space. Some persons tend to love having their own space. With a home packed with different personalities, a little alone-time can be a good refresher," she said.

Comrie also shared tips for putting the family dinner together, and for her, those include sharing the work by getting the entire family involved. The work should be divided up from grocery shopping, preparation, clean-up, serving and cooking. As long as its suitable for the age groups, she said, a task should be assigned to each person.

"Acknowledge every person's effort who contributed towards the preparation; spend the time to listen to each person's idea; set aside phones, tablets and earphones, and keep the meals simple as you really don't want anyone to spoil the Christmas dinner. It's best to keep the meal as simple as possible so that no one can ruin it," she said.

But with all the best laid plans, a wrong comment, a bad memory - something might cause tension to rise at the table and if that happens, Comrie said the answer is in "applying the biblical principles to bring love, joy and happiness to the family.

"Diana Ross sang 'Can't hurry love, no, you just have to wait'. She said 'love don't come easy, but it's a game of give and take'". She knows that without love, the family can't stand. Show love when arguments arise," said Comrie.

familyandreligion@gleanerjm.com