Should you encourage your child to fight back?

Why, why you wanna make me cry?

You don’t even know who I am.

If you gave me half a chance,

We just might have been friends.

– Hey Bully, Morgan Frazier

Standing up to bullies is a daunting task for most children in school, particularly those who are timid and hate confrontation of any kind. However, some parents encourage their children to stand up for themselves by fighting back so as not to become the school’s ‘beating stick’. In fact, they even reassure their offspring that they will go to the school and deal with the consequences.

Not so fast, says Dr Patrice Charles of the Phoenix Counselling Centre, who shared with Family and Religion an experience in which she had to visit the dean of discipline at her son’s high school merely weeks into the start of his seventh grade. She said that her son was involved in a physical altercation with another student and was slated to receive two demerits because the school had a zero-tolerance policy against fighting.

“I went in to speak with the dean because my son’s reason for the altercation was that he was defending himself against a boy that was a known bully who tried to hit him. The bully, he said, stole his pens and school supplies and proceeded to taunt him. When my son demanded that his things be returned, to add insult to injury, the bully ‘draped’ him by his shirt while yelling at him. My boy lost his cool and hit him in the face, which was enough for the bully to release him and stay clear of him for the duration of his high-school journey,” said Charles.

According to Charles, she asked her son why he didn’t walk away, and his reply was that he did, and that’s when the bully grabbed him by the collar.

The story goes that the dean of discipline eventually admitted that the bully was a known troublemaker who had been transferred from another school after being expelled for fighting.

Her son ended up receiving detention, as well as a lesson from her – that fighting will always come with consequences.

stand up for yourself

Charles stressed that she taught her sons to stand up against bullies and even went as far as enrolling them in self-defence classes. “However, I always ensured that they understood that it’s always best to walk away than to fight,” she stressed.

Regarding parents whose children are suffering the same fate, she said that it is important to understand that when creating awareness about how to defend against or avoid bullying, they should tell their children that hitting back may lead to an escalation in violence and can result in serious injuries or fatalities.

No parent wants their child to suffer at the hand of a bully in school, and Charles said that parents should be cognisant of the different types of bullying and how they affect children.

“There are physical, psychological, cyber, and verbal bullying. Each of those are separate and discrete experiences that children might suffer, and there are separate and discrete ways of responding to them, too,” she said.

Stating that her son was fortunate that there wasn’t a repeat incident of him being bullied, Charles said that there are others who are not so lucky and are not able to retaliate against their tormentors to stop the problem.

She said that the very nature of bullying renders the victims fearful, frozen, and incapable of defending themselves.

“Children who are unable to fight back may end up feeling blamed for the bullying. Their already fragile self-esteem is further weakened as they wonder, ‘What is wrong with me? Why can’t I make this stop?’” she shared, adding that schools can protect children from bullying by creating policies that “ensure that the core attitude and ethos in the school is that children are welcome, and encouraged, to tell if they see bullying in action”.

This, she said, empowers both the bystanders and the child being targeted and gives them alternatives in terms of potential responses. It also reduces the “invisibility” of most forms of bullying.

Charles said that parents should be vigilant as children won’t always talk about being bullied. Unless there are visible bruises or injuries, she said, it can be difficult to figure out if it’s happening.

“But there are some warning signs. Parents might notice children acting differently or seeming anxious, or not eating, sleeping well, or doing the things they usually enjoy. When children seem moodier or more easily upset than usual, or when they start avoiding certain situations (like taking the bus to school), it might be because of a bully,” she said.

According to Charles, if parents suspect that their child is being bullied, but he or she is reluctant to open up, they should find opportunities to bring up the issue in a more roundabout way.

While parents often want to charge to their children’s defence, Charles warned that confrontation can be tricky.

“I’ve seen too many of these conversations turn into wars. If not handled correctly, the aggressor’s parents can end up having what I call the ‘not-my-child syndrome’. If you confront the parents, do it with dignity, not in anger. Don’t post it on social media. Stay calm, and let them know you’re uncomfortable discussing this,” she advised.

Even better, she said, parents should allow the guidance counsellor at the school to get involved without making any demands.