Moving past conflicts in marriage

“Even in the road blocks (yeah)

Even through the rough spots

When you’re feeling you’ve given all that you’ve got

I’m with you in the next step

Giving you in the next breath

I’ll be the voice saying ‘You’re gonna make it’.”

– Good Fight, Unspoken

Many enter marriage with stars in their eyes, thinking of the many exciting things they will be doing and are so caught up in the love bliss that the thought of conflicts never crosses their minds.

However, as always, once the ‘honeymoon’ period is over, real life begins to set in, and with it, all of its challenges, and individuals seem to forget that they are from two different backgrounds. It is so easy to utter angry, hurtful words, and before they realise it, the marriage is in trouble.

Valrie James, counsellor as well as pastor of the Savannah Cross Church of God of Prophecy, says that there are many ways that conflicts can arise in a relationship and couples should ensure that they invest in pre-marital counselling.

However, if they are already married, she said, issues such as sex, finances, and outside influences can easily see them being at each other’s throats.

All-Important Words

It is for this reason that she says that they should learn the all-important words “trust”, “compromise”, and “respect”, which according, to James, will go a far way in ensuring that things do not get out of hand.

“It is never a good thing for families to be broken. So before heated words are spoken, try to remember the reason you decided to share your life with that person in the first place. And if children are in the union, it is even more important to protect it,” said James.

For Christian couples, James says that they should strive to develop healthy habits such as doing devotions, praying, and attending church together.

James says that in most relationships, opposites attract, and in the long run, those qualities could very well be the cause of those same arguments. As she said, one partner might be laid-back, not into going out and just wanting to sit before the television after work whereas the wife is more outgoing and needs to be taken out and ‘wined and dined’, which goes against her partner’s nature.

With two completely different personalities, one might start to wonder if they made the right choice in a partner.

“Invest in prayer, pray over situations before you respond, exercise humility, and don’t lord it over your partner, thinking that your point is right. Ask God to give you a spirit of forgiveness, which will see you letting go of whatever is making you angry with your partner,” James advised.

Harmony in marriage, according to James, takes a great deal of work. She says that it also takes letting go of being selfish and instead, thinking about one’s partner.

James stressed that once husbands and wives remember that they are ‘one’, they will automatically think of the well-being of the other and not be quick to argue or hurt each other.

There are times when a person’s feelings will be hurt, and according to James, to end the conflict, the hurt party may have to set aside the pain and anger and even feelings of bitterness in order to deal with the issue.

She said that it is literally “fighting for your relationship” and resolving to find common ground and make things right.

“God never intended for broken relationships, so don’t be so eager to throw in the towel for every little difference that may arise,” she said.

James says that there will always be conflict in marriage, but it doesn’t have to be something that puts a wedge in it.

familyandreligion@gleanerjm.com