Who is training our men to be ‘husband material’?

It seems an easy task to find a man, but, for most single women, it is difficult to find a genuine man who levels up to their ideals.

The search transcends the ‘list’ of qualities that women deem important, and moves beyond seeking perfection.

It is simply finding that which makes them happy – which can often be a far-fetched dream.

Graduate student and former mathematics coach and entrepreneur, Rowena-Renee Xymines, says she has been single for the past eight years, and even though she has dated within that period, no one made the cut to even be classified as a partner.

The 30-year-old said, during the process of dating, she came to the full realisation that her expectations of a man matching her efforts were not forthcoming and that was not something she was prepared to compromise on.

“I find that people take kindness for weakness. You try to treat them with love and respect and make them feel special, and they abuse that. For that reason, dating experiences never usually become anything more significant. I once saw in a meme that, after moving past someone, you realise that it was your love that made them as special as they seemed.”

She continued: “Love is a choice, not a feeling, and it’s a choice you have to make daily. Maybe I have not had the luck of the Irish in dating, because I will not say all men are dogs. But certainly I have found that the men I have dated recently exploited the kingly treatment I choose to give. When that begins to happen, I walk away, no matter how much it hurts. I have no reservations in telling my man ‘sweet nonsense’, but it gets to their head and then you see their true colours.”

Xymines said she has seen what strong relationships look like and,, though many believe fairy tale endings don’t exist, she is patiently waiting for that and only that which brings her true joy.

“I grew up with my mother who is a superhero single mom! I have seen her date and, to my knowledge, those she dated loved us. I’ve also seen love in my grandparents’ union. I think I grew up in a bubble where I was shielded from the evil intentions and desires of the human heart. I think I had a fairy tale idea of what love is and should be and, as such, I paid dearly through heartbreaks, expecting too much for myself from those I dated. I have grown stronger from each experience, and perhaps more callous, but I love me just the way I am.”

Bad relationships have a tendency to thwart your hope of finding true love, but settling should never be an option, says Xymines.

“Dating a childhood friend who turned out to be worse than the strangers I had dated was my worst experience. The way I see it, a man loves differently than a woman. According to Steve Harvey, a man that loves provides, protects, and professes. That is where my bar has been set and I care zero for what comments will come.”

Educated, more financially stable, at least five years older, and physically, mentally, and emotionally stronger than she is, are just a few of the traits Xymines expects her man to possess.

“He must also be kind to himself, others, and animals. He MUST be neat and clean! Oh, and it wouldn’t hurt to be an intellectual-creative, whichever way it is said. I won’t ask for things, but I still expect to be spoiled. They seem to think that my lack of dependence on them means it’s okay for them to not give. Additionally, quality time is my first love language. Spending a whole day with someone means nothing to me if I can feel they’re merely physically present. An intimate hour where we are each other’s focus means more than hours of meaningless space sharing.”

Xymines believes there are a lot of women settling and not holding men accountable and, as such, those who don’t are seen as “picky, demanding, clingy”.

She added that society pressures women into assuming submissive roles, while men are hailed for chauvinism.

But she says blessed are the men who refuse to subscribe to the backward thinking.

“We also have a lot of societal impositions on women to learn to become ‘wife material’, but no one is training our men to become husband material. You don’t even hear people say ‘husband material’. It’s not a thing. Our men are such beautiful creatures, sometimes it’s a shame to see how they waste themselves away.”

familyandreligion@gleanerjm.com