How to make differences work for you

A FRIEND once told me that she had a great relationship with her husband because they had a balanced marriage: she, among other differences, was highly educated, and he was highly dedicated to making their marriage a success. He would mix up his tenses around her friends but every word he spoke made a lot of sense. In the kitchen she was “queen” and in other matters he was “king”.

They were indifferent to their differences and that made a whole lot of difference. Applause! They knew from day one that neither could change the other, and that was that. Hear that guys, take a page! Even if your ‘horse’ has gone through the gate, it may not be too late. As a matter of fact, leave the gate open, just in case the ‘horse’ may have a change of mind.

This lead us to conclude that mismatches are not necessarily recipes for disaster. Despite class and demography, almost everyone in a relationship, after a while, thinks that their’s was a mismatch which was unidentifiable at the outset. Back then, each party “had much in common”: loved the same movies, same colours, part of the same religion, loved the same types of foods and entertainment, etc. Oh how sweet! Then came the big day and the ‘veil’ was removed, never to be replaced. “All of a sudden” ‘Christopher’ and ‘Christine’ have just discovered that they really didn’t have much in common. Harsh reality! Hush. Don’t rush it! Your future is at stake, but you can stake your claim! You have a right to give your relationship a fighting chance and watch those differences work in your favour, down the road. Start with prayer, books and a spirit of stick-to-it-iveness.

Like my friend, how will you make those differences work for you both? Here is something to bear in mind from the get-go, similarity is not necessarily compatibility. Too much sameness can be boring. Who wants to eat hamburger every day? What about a little spicy chicken to spice up the thing even as it “burn a yuh mouth”? While some differences can drive us crazy let’s not despise them! They make us think harder, think deeper and grow stronger in the end! One person may be a neat freak and the other is not. One may be thrifty while the other is a spendthrift. But hold it!

Matters not who you are with, conflicts come. It’s simply part of being in a relationship. Must deal with the conflict which comes up around holidays each year: your desire to be with your family and your partner’s wishes to be with his or hers …. Conflicts over families, finances, and even friends can disrupt a relationship just as quickly, and sometimes with more serious consequences. Face it.

Here are a few basic guidelines to help you manage disagreements and move forward together:

· Recognise that some conflict is part of any relationship. Whether the difference is something simple: you prefer the window open and your partner wants it closed

· Since conflict and criticism and can diminish those feelings of being admired, valued, and loved, make it your business not to serve empty criticisms. Spice them up with a little commendation: you are really good at finding solutions for all kinds of problems – it would be so great if you could find a solution for the garbage in the garbage pile up.

· Criticise a specific behaviour or situation, not your partner’s personality. Complaints about personality are extremely unproductive: the other person’s automatic response is to defend himself or herself. Remember, personality is a lot harder to change than behaviour.

· Be careful of the words ‘always’ and ‘never’ as they can cause a lot of discomfort for the partner. Let love rule.

· Doesn’t matter your level of upsetness, always recognise that your partner does try from time to time. Okay?

· Whenever possible, a genuine offer to help with a difficult situation can ease conflict. For instance, if your partner is often late, render some loving assistance to save time.

· Remember that some things simply can’t be changed. Some differences may be deal-breakers, but many are simply part of a package of someone who is not the same as you, and that both of you are there for the enrichment of each other.

Peace and love.

REMEMBER YOUR NEIGHBOURS WHO NEED YOUR HELP WITH:

1. Stove

2. Refrigerator

3. Bed

4. Food

5. Medication

6. Financial assistance to start a little

To help, please call Silton Townsend @ 876 649-9636 or 876 884-3866. Contact email: helloneighbour@yahoo.com. Visit hellomineighbourja.blogspot.com. Townsend exclusively manages the collections and distributions mentioned in this column and is neither an employee nor agent of The Gleaner.