Can't have sex with my young lover

Q Good day, Doctor, I would like your advice about a handsome young man who has arrived in my bed.

I am a widow, and I haven't had sex for more than 20 years, just the occasional masturbation. Men still seem to find me attractive, and I have had numerous offers of marriage. But I have turned them all down.

However, last month, I met a young man who is good-looking, strong and gentle. Much to my surprise, he seemed very interested in me, and we have spent a few 'happy hours' together. Then he leaned over and kissed me. I thought it was wonderful. My heart was so full, I could have wept.

Within a few weeks, he was telling me that he loved me. And I do believe that I love him, despite the difference in our ages. But, of course, these things inevitably progress to sex. And there came an evening when we finally went to bed together. I was nervous, and trembling with anticipation. For the first few minutes, everything went very well. But then, when he tried to enter me, he suddenly stopped.

There was a pause, and then he whispered to me: 'Honey, there seems to be some obstruction.'

Unfortunately, it was true. I burst into tears. He tried to console me, but I was sad.

We tried again on the next two nights, but still no luck. He still says that he loves me, but I can't see how our relationship can go on, with this 'blockage' spoiling everything. Please help me!

A Sorry to hear that this problem is interfering with your new romance. But I am sure it can be defeated.

When a woman has not had sex for a long time takes a new lover, there are three things which can cause a sensation of 'blockage.'

1. Vaginismus (uncommon). This is a psychological condition which creates a sort of 'muscle contract' in the vagina and the surrounding muscles. That makes it very difficult for the penis to go in. But from what you say, I doubt whether vaginismus is possible in someone who is as keen as you are to have sex.

2. Prolapse. A prolapse (or descent of the womb and adjacent structures) is not uncommon in women who have had children. You did not say whether or not you have given birth, but if so, there has to be a chance of a prolapse blocking the way. An operation could certainly correct that.

3. Lack of hormones in the vagina. I don't know if you have passed menopause. But if you have, then it may well be that your problem is caused from vaginal changes which are linked to lack of female hormones. If so, then you could get hormone treatment.

It is vital that you see a doctor, preferably a gynaecologist, who can examine you, and tell you what is causing this blockage.

Husband's big secret

Q Doctor I am consumed by guilt and don't know if I should tell my wife my big secret.

While on a visit to New York last month, I had a few drinks with a business man with whom I was trying to fix a deal.

I am very embarrassed to tell you this, Doctor, but at the end of the evening, somehow we had sex. I don't know the words to describe what happened. Basically, he did it to me. Then he told me 'Good night,' and left. By the way, I did not get the contract.

What should I do now, Doc? I feel I should tell my wife, but I am scared.

A Why did you, a married man, decide to have homosexual intercourse? There is no point in saying: 'Oh, it was just the drink.' In reality, straight men do not agree to have 'gay sex,' just because they have drunk a few glasses of liquor.

My conclusion is that you must be either gay or perhaps bisexual. Do you enjoy intercourse with you wife? If so, then bisexuality is likely. So what I strongly recommend is that you see a therapist or a psychologist, and try to find out, during the course of a few sessions, just what your sexual orientation really is.

The next thing that concerns me is the question of disease. Please understand that HIV is relatively common in New York, and one of the best ways of catching it is to be on the receiving end of anal sex. So you must get a blood test for the virus right away. You should also have tests for any other sexual infections.

Most important, do not have sex with your wife, or anyone else, until you have had the tests, and find out that you are definitely free of infections.

Finally, you ask if you should tell your wife about what you did in New York. My view is that you should, especially as her health maybe at risk. But please be prepared for the fact that this will be a terrible shock to her and she may want to end your marriage.

Does the coil work?

Q My doctor wants me to have what she calls 'a hormone-loaded coil' to keep me from getting pregnant again.

but I do not know much about it. Is it a good thing? Does it work? And would it interfere with my fairly busy sex life?

AThe 'hormone-loaded coil' is more often known as the Intra-Uterine System or IUS. Brand-names include Mirena, Jaydess and Skyla. Jaydess and Skyla are the same thing, but are smaller than Mirena.

Yes, I think you could say that the IUS is a good thing because it works well, with only a tiny risk of pregnancy. Please note that there is a slightly increased risk of pelvic infection particularly if you have a lot of partners.

It is a little T-shaped device the doctor puts into your womb. It can stay there for a few years. And it contains a female-type hormone which prevents you from getting pregnant. In fact, a lot of women who suffer from very heavy periods have been virtually cured, thanks to the IUS.

It won't interfere with your fairly busy sex life. Your partner might be able to feel the little threads which are attached to the IUS. There may be a tickling sensation, but only a few men complain about that.

Finally, I must warn you that there is almost always a little pain during the insertion of the IUS. But most women rate it as only moderate.