SUNDAY SAUCE: I need a new job

Oxy Moron, Contributor

I Oxy Moron, am seriously contemplating becoming a pastor. I just can't wait to hear people call me Reverend Oxy Moron. It has a colourful ring to it, doesn't it? And who is full of more colour than a pastor? Never mind that, I'm not very pious. It doesn't necessarily take piety to be a pastor. What it requires is a loud and strong voice, a pied-piper personality, a mediocre singing voice, an insatiable appetite for money, and great acting skills. And guess what? I possess all these qualities, except the appetite for money.

Though I need the dough, it would not bring me satisfaction and peace of mind. What I want is the unspeakable joy to be derived from helping my fellow men and women. Into my welcoming bosom I would take them and give them comfort. All those who are tired and heavy-laden, I would give my chest on which to rest their weary heads.

It doesn't matter whether they be dons, donnas, donnettes, Donovans or donkeys, I would give a listening ear and a shoulder on which to lean. My work here on Earth would not be done if I couldn't attend to the emotional and spiritual needs of my brothers and sisters. I would even provide transportation for them to wherever they want to go, even to one hell of an embassy. If it is their wish, it shall be done. On their road to perdition, I would be their driver. And I would not stop at all.

one slight problem

The problem though is that I do not know how to transform a don into a donna. I need to make a call to a colleague. Yet, I have misgivings about his capabilities in his most recent job. A more flamboyant hat (his church sister's), trendier glasses and more, important, a better-coiffured wig, one that nicely framed the face of his sheep, so as not to highlight those strong masculine features, would have been better.

Even the make-up was atrocious. You could stay in Cuba and see the gigantic razor bumps. The moustache traces didn't help either. Upon seeing the officers, they simply squealed, "He's a man! He's a man!" Nevertheless, I will give him a ping. I'm sure he can pass on some useful pointers. By the way, what took him so long to go fetch the Kartel, he who has lost his vibes? O yes, he's already in hot water.

Speaking of hot water, I'm not daunted by that. I'm going to be a more astute pastor, learned in the art of evading my detractors. I'm going to use my moronic attributes to fool and bypass all of them. Remember, I will be Pastor Oxy Moron, not a figure of speech in this case, but a prominent figure of great Earthly deeds. Wish me well.

oxydmoron@gmail.com.

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