DOCTOR'S ADVICE - Involved with a younger man

Q Doctor, I hope you won't think badly of me, but I have become involved with a younger man.

I have been married for over 20 years, and have two children who are grown and have left home. My husband is out all day at work, so I am left on my own. There are times when I get lonely.

A few months ago, I met this young man and he started stopping by the house. There were legitimate business reasons for him coming by, at first. But then, it became clear that he was visiting me because he was attracted to me; and I was very attracted to him.

Before long, we became lovers. He comes by about twice a week and we have sex. Doctor, I will not conceal the fact that I really look forward to these romantic afternoons with him. He is much better than my husband, and he makes sure I orgasm, sometimes four times in a session.

That would never happen with my husband, because he always falls asleep as soon as he is finished, often leaving me frustrated.

What is making me worry is that my husband has always said that 'there are ways in which a man can tell if his wife has been unfaithful'. On one occasion a couple of years ago, he told me that if I went with another man, he would know what I had done by inspecting my body.

Is that true, Doctor? I am sure that my husband would go crazy if he found out, and maybe even kill me. I think he has been involved in violence in the past.

A You are in a pretty dangerous situation here. It is easy to see how you got into it as your husband was neglecting you in bed. So you were an easy target for that young man.

Like many other married women, you have felt flattered by the attention of a young man, and soon succumbed to his charms and fell into bed with him. The fact that he turned out to be good was an added bonus.

As to your husbands claims, it is impossible for a man to determine what a woman has been doing sexually, unless, of course, he finds some evidence of seminal fluid on her body, or on the sheets.

It is more likely that your husband will find out about your affair in some other way. For instance, a neighbour might tell him that the young man's car has been parked outside your house twice a week!

Alternatively, your spouse might unexpectedly come home early, and catch the two of you. That would be an explosive situation, especially as you suggest that he is capable of violence.

I am also very conscious of the fact that you are presumably still fertile, and, therefore, might possibly get pregnant. Furthermore, you don't know what he is doing during the rest of the week. Do you realise that he could give you chlamydia, or some other sexually transmitted infection?

I think that you should end this relationship. As it relates to your marriage, it sounds pretty disastrous at the moment. I cannot help feeling that you and your husband may be heading for divorce. Nevertheless, it would be worth sitting down with him, explaining that you are frustrated after his lovemaking, and sees what he says. Maybe he would consider going with you to see a counsellor.

Q I am a 55-year-old man and all my life I have had early ejaculation.

Would a circumcision operation help me?

A Certainly not. Men often get the idea that circumcision will somehow solve their problems, but that is not so.

You clearly have premature ejaculation (PE). If you tap those words into Google, you will find a wealth of good advice on the Internet from doctors and psychologists about how to deal with it.

I suggest you ignore the ads which promote commercial remedies for PE, as these are rarely of any use at all.

Q I am 32 years old and 10 months ago my period suddenly stopped. They have not returned.

I have also had several 'hot flashes' and quite a few sweating attacks.

Could this be a premature menopause?

A I am afraid so. Some women do suddenly go into 'the change' in their 30s, though the reason why this happens is not clear.

There are a few other reasons why your monthly cycle has suddenly stopped. So I think you should see a doctor for an examination and some tests, particularly a 'blood count' and some hormone estimations.

If you continue to have menopausal symptoms, the doctor could advise you about having a short course of hormone-replacement therapy.

Q I am a man in his third marriage. My potency has been failing recently, and I am thinking of using Viagra.

But could I be absolutely sure that it wouldn't give me any side effects?

A What you do not realise is that, like all powerful drugs, Viagra can indeed have side-effects.

The common ones are: headache, a full feeling in the face, a blocked nose, indigestion or gas, and dizziness. Occasionally, some men notice a blue or green distortion of vision for a few hours.

Having said all that, I must add that I have hardly ever seen a patient who stopped taking Viagra because of its side effects. Most men are so pleased with the results that they don't care if there are a few side effects.

Q At the age of 40, I have met a wonderful new man. We love each other and, amazingly, I have found that when he stimulates my nipples, I sometimes have an orgasm.

Am I abnormal?

A No. You are in a minority, but you are not abnormal. American researchers have found that a small number of of women can discharge as a result of nipple stimulation alone.

This seems to be more likely to happen when woman are in a heightened emotional state - for instance, when they are in love.

Q I am a 28-year-old man and I have just discovered a small, dark bump on my organ. Could this be syphilis?

A Well, there are many other things it could be. But I do feel that you must see a doctor and have an examination and a blood test for syphilis.

Until you have had the result, please do not have sex.

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