DOCTOR'S ADVICE: I'm in love with a widow

Q Later this year, I am planning to marry a widow. We are both in our early 40s and I love her deeply. We have not had sex yet, and it is that particular aspect of our relationship that worries me.

You see, I know that she has been widowed for around 20 years, and I guess that she has probably not had sexual intercourse in all that time. One of my friends has hinted to me that there may be difficulties when she resumes.

He says that if a woman does not have sex for 20 years or so, her sex organs get kind of 'rusty' so that intercourse may be impossible. Is this true?

A No, it isn't. It is just one of those myths that circulate among men. There is no reason to think that your bride-to-be's intimate parts are in anything other than perfect working order.

However, if she really has not had sex for 20 years, then it is important that you be gently with her, and try to ensure that she is very relaxed before you actually attempt penetration. It would be a good idea to use a lubricant, which you can buy from a pharmacy, so as to make everything as comfortable as possible for her.

Also remember that she is in her early 40s so is probably still fertile. So it would be a wise to discuss contraception with her.

Q I am 29 years old and about 10 years ago, I had a brief episode of gonorrhoea. I have now met a wonderful woman, and would like to marry her.

But can I be sure that the gonorrhoea has totally gone from my system?

A If you were adequately treated 10 years ago, then the germ should have been totally eradicated.

But if you wish to be absolutely certain, then see a doctor and have an examination and possibly some tests. Take a urine specimen with you.

Q I am 36 years old and I have suddenly started having menses that go on for two weeks at a time. Is this normal?

A No, it certainly isn't. These sudden lengthy periods strongly suggest that there is something wrong with your uterus or your ovaries.

You must see a doctor, preferably a gynaecologist, as soon as possible.

Q I am desperately in love with my best friend's wife. I'm 25 years old and I keep thinking about how wonderful it would be to get her into bed. At night, I dream about being married to her.

Neither my friend nor his wife have any idea of how I feel. Do you think that I should tell her how wonderful she is? What are the chances that we might have a discreet 'affair' without my best friend finding out?

A I think you would be crazy to pursue this idea. This is your best friend, yet you are seriously considering having a secret sexual liaison with his wife!

On the basis of experience, I would say that such an affair would not stay secret for very long. In most cases, the husband does eventually find out what is going on, and then there is usually trouble. There might even be violence.

Your best move would be to cease all contact with this woman, and probably with your friend as well. Think seriously about going to live in another part of the island, or even abroad.

Q My first husband always used a condom, and sex with him was very satisfactory, even though we ended in divorce.

Now, I have met a great new man who is an American. He has had a vasectomy, so he does not need to use a condom.

He is a great lover but I have a problem with the fact that he does not use a condom.The trouble is that I find that kind of sex very messy and I usually have to go to the bathroom after and clean myself up. And I do not like that; what can I do?

A Well, a surprising number of women find bareback sex rather messy, because they do not like having to deal with seminal fluid.

Your best course would be to talk it over with your new boyfriend and let him know how you feel. Please be careful what you say as he might become offended by the fact that you are repelled by the sight and feel of his ejaculate.

On the other hand, he might be willing to wear a condom, even though he does not need to do so as a form of contraception.

An alternative idea would be for you to buy some female condoms. These can be bought at the pharmacy or online.

Q I am a 30-year-old single male and I don't seem to be able to attract women. I have thought about going with a lady of the night, but I am asking you if you think that is a good idea?

Also, I saw where a 'professional woman' in Kingston advertises that she provides a 'GFE'. What is that?

A The letters 'GFE' stand for 'Girl Friend Experience'. They mean that the call girl is willing to kiss and cuddle you like a real girl friend, rather than just providing intercourse.

But I cannot really advise you to try to solve your problems by going with professional women. Please bear in mind that there is quite a high chance that you might catch a sexually transmitted infection.

I am sorry that you can't find a girlfriend. My guess is that this is because you are lacking in social skills. But it is possible to learn these! So I would strongly suggest that you find yourself a good therapist or counsellor. A few sessions with a trained person could help you to learn about the best ways to approach women and to make friends with them. Good luck.

Q I have had some discomfort in my stomach recently, and I went to a doctor, who says I have fibroids.

But what are fibroids? Are they serious? Are they cancerous?

A Fibroids are just fibrous swellings in the womb. They are common in Jamaica. Some are very tiny, while others can be as big as a cricket ball.

They are not cancerous, and they are not life-threatening. Some of them cause no symptoms, and can just be left alone.

But in your case, it sounds like you may have to take some treatment. This could be some form of surgery, but these days there are also medications which can treat fibroids. For instance, a drug called 'gonadotropin releasing hormone agonists' is often helpful.

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