Doctor's Advice - My fiancé is horrible in bed

Q. Greetings. I am 31 and I am getting married to a well-off man in Kingston next month. But to tell you the truth, Doctor, sex with him is terrible! He has no idea of how to do it. I have had much better lovers in the past.

The trouble is that my family has spent a lot of money on this wedding. It is going to be a big celebration, with many people there. People have booked their flights to come to Jamaica for the wedding. My mother is really looking forward to it, and is getting very excited about all the arrangements. A lot of presents have already been bought.

However, I am more and more worried about going ahead. I don't seem to have much in common with him, even though we met a long time ago. He tells me that I am beautiful, and that he loves me. But I cannot honestly say that I love him. And the sex is so bad that I am sure that the physical side of our marriage will be horrible. What do you think I should do? Is there any way of somehow 'curing' him so that he becomes better in bed? Will sex improve after we are married?

A. Well, many women think that marriage will somehow 'improve' their men in various ways. But this rarely happens. As it relates to your fiancé's sexual performance, you are indicating that he is absolutely hopeless in bed. That is certainly not going to change just because you get married.

A man who is unskilled or inept in bed can learn to change his ways. But first of all, he has to want to do so. And it would take a lot of time to make matters better. For instance, if you persuade your fiancé to attend a good marital therapist with you over a period of six or 12 months, she might perhaps be able to train him to improve his skills to a reasonable level. But I wouldn't bank on it!

Really, it seems to me that you are entering into this marriage with practically everything weighted against you. You have said that you don't love him, and that you don't seem to have a lot in common, and the only 'positive' thing you have told me about him is that he is rich!

Frankly, I think you should pull out of this wedding. Your mother is looking forward to it and a lot of money has been spent making the arrangements. But what really matters is your future happiness. And on the basis of what you have told me, I cannot see that this marriage could possibly succeed.

Q. I am a 32-year-old man, and I am experiencing pain whenever I urinate. Could this be due to an enlarged prostate?

A. That is very unlikely at age 32. Your symptom is most likely to be due to an infection, so you should see a doctor immediately and have some tests. Please bear in mind that this infection may be sexually transmitted.

Q. While I was with my ex-boyfriend, I cheated on him a few times. Sadly, I did not use protection. We broke up recently. Now I vaginal troubles, so I went to a doctor last week and she told me that I have 'trichomonas'. Well, I have been looking up trichomonas on the Internet, and it says that the virus can cause symptoms within four days of exposure. It is has been quite a while since I had cheated. Does this mean that I got the trichomonas from my ex-boyfriend?

A. Well, trichomonad is not a virus. It is actually a tiny parasite, which likes to live in the vagina. It is quite a common cause of vaginal symptoms in women. The most common features are:

• A yellowy-green, bubbly discharge;
  
• Intense soreness and irritation of the vulva and vagina.

There is some controversy about how trichomoniasis is transmitted, and there are actually a few doctors who claim that it is not transmitted sexually, but gets into the vagina through splashes from the toilet. This does not seem very likely to me.

The incubation period varies, so there is absolutely no way of telling whether you got it from your ex-boyfriend or from some previous lover.

Fortunately, trichomoniasis can be easily cured in most cases. There is an antibiotic called metronidazole, and that usually does the trick. Do not drink alcohol while you are taking this drug. There may also be a case for treating your two recent lovers with metronidazole. In men, trichomoniasis may produce no symptoms at all. But it can give them soreness and a penile discharge.

Q. Since I had a circumcision operation at the age of 30, I have had an area of numbness on my penis. This is making it a little difficult for me to climax sometimes. Would a vibrator help me? Or are these things only for women?

A. nfortunately, men who have circumcision later in life sometimes experience some numbness afterwards. This is because the surgeon's knife has cut through some tiny nerves. Yes, a vibrator might help you. There is absolutely no reason why a man should not use one, and if you look on the Internet, you will see that there are countless inexpensive vibrators which are specifically designed for women to use on their men. Good luck.

Q. I regret to admit that I had sex with two men last month. Now I am pregnant. I slept with the first one about 14 days after the start of my menses. The 'affair' with the other man happened around 10 days later. Can you help me please, Doctor? Which of them is the father?

A. Statistically, it is likely that the man you made love to on the 14th day of your cycle is the baby's father. But that is not absolutely certain. So when the baby is born, you may wish to try and persuade the two men to undergo paternity tests.

Q. I am astonished to find out that my 70-year-old father is having sex regularly with his girlfriend! Isn't that very odd at his age? Do you think there is something medically wrong with him, like overactive glands?

A . here is no reason to think that he has a health problem. Statistics show that 70 per cent of 70-year-old males are still sexually potent.This means that around 30 per cent of them have lost their nature by that age. But a lot of the 30 per cent are still having sex, thanks to the advent of Viagra and similar medications. I appreciate that it is difficult for you to come to terms with the fact that your father is till having sex. But that is the way it is, so you should accept it.

Send questions to editor@gleanerjm.com and read more Doctor's Advice in the Saturday Gleaner.