Of nicknames and slurs

Gordon Robinson, Contributor

One thing we learned attending various all-boy secondary schools was that if you didn't want a nickname to stick, don't protest about it.

Boys will be boys, and cruel nicknames, based on peculiar behaviour and 'special' features or shapes, were a daily peril. We soon learned that, if you ignored the nickname, it went away. But, the slightest complaint and it was yours for life. Some of those that stuck included Gighead (head shaped like a gig), Winehead (always looked inebriated but wasn't), Cho-Cho Head (that was me after a particularly bad attack of acne) and my all-time favourite, Spermhead (given to a teacher with a peculiarly shaped bald spot).

"Well, it mus' be a duppy or a

gunman

I man no find out yet.

I and I so frighten

all the dawta name I feget."

Legend has it that the great Glenroy Anthony Michael Archangelo Smith (a.k.a. 'Ernie'), as a student at York Castle, was nicknamed 'Socrates' after a teacher commented that, among the great philosophers, Socrates was the ugliest.

At dominoes, almost nobody was addressed by their correct name. The Beast got his name from a chauvinistic epithet of the early 1970s given to sexy-looking girls, none of whom he would pursue. Don't ask why, it made perfect sense at the time. The Dunce allegedly fell from a tree as a child landing on his head, since which time his scatterbrained behaviour earned him the rather insensitive moniker. Jimmie Hunchback did, in fact, have a hunchback, and Dr S Blank was a maintenance worker on campus who dubbed himself 'Senior Lecturer in the Domino Faculty', hence the humorous sobriquet. Little D, whose Christian name started with 'D', was vertically challenged.

By the time we entered UWI, the nicknames became more creative, sometimes vicious. 'Shocks' was inherited from his father; 'Lazarus' always had a sleepy expression; 'Twiggy' was almost as thin as the first supermodel (still is). Don't ask me where 'Foul Drawers' came from ('Drawers' for short) but it was years before I learned this exemplary gentleman's correct name. It matters not. The abiding principle remains, don't let them see you sweat. If you don't react, they'll move on to someone else. If you start perspiring worse than a prostitute in church, you're a goner.

"... we're fairer than who 'ave a

girl

in each and every town.

We no worry 'bout de dibby,

dibby deejay dem,....

... de whole a dem a clown.

Dem no worry we (can't worry

we).

Dem no worry we (tell dem

again).

Change your reckless way of

living and think easy."

Super Cat, whose early nickname was Wild Apache, and Heavy D, whose handle needs no explanation, didn't let name-calling worry them. Why should we?

Politicians are no exception. Politicians have attracted nicknames like cow pies attract flies. Michael Manley was 'Joshua' or 'IMF' ('Is Manley's Fault'), depending on which side of the political fence you found yourself. Edward Seaga was 'Brother Eddie' or 'Blinds', again depending on your perspective. We've had some colourful nicknames like 'Scree', 'Crab', 'Teacher', 'Sheriff', 'Madam', and, my personal favourite, 'Cock Robin'.

Tomfoolery

Now, the political ombudsman's knickers were in a twist because a politician, on a political platform, labelled the successor to the self-styled 'Driva' as 'loader man'. If ever there was proof that Church should be separated from State, this is it. What a piece of holier-than-thou, Christian tomfoolery prompted the goodly bishop to try to take the natural creativity and humour out of our politics? As for Young Andrew, I hope he has the common sense not to be offended by this bit of political naughtiness. Be careful. The name might stick.

I am relieved Bishop Blair realised his folly and belatedly withdrew the request for an apology, and will hereafter stop trying to extrapolate the Political Code of Conduct beyond what it was intended to be. That document can't and shouldn't be used to convert a political campaign rally into a Christian fellowship meeting. The majority of its tenets relate to the elimination of violence and intimidation. It is not intended, nor does it provide, for any interference with free speech. Insofar as it relates to public utterances, it provides:

"Party officials (including platform speakers) should not make statements which:

a) Are inflammatory or likely to incite others to confrontation or violence;

b) Constitute slander or libel;

c) Are malicious in reference to opposing candidates, their families or party officials."

How on earth could calling Young Andrew 'loader man', having taken over from the self-proclaimed 'Driva', become "inflammatory"? According to the Oxford English Dictionary, 'inflammatory' means intended to cause very strong feelings of anger. Loader man? Really? Seriously? If politicians wanted to incite violence, there must be more sure-fire ways than calling your opponent 'loader man', so an incitement-to-violence indictment was never on. Also, it's definitely not defamatory. As a genuine attempt at humour and political one-upmanship, it couldn't be deemed "malicious". It didn't sound malicious. It was the speaker's way of seeking a peculiarly Jamaican method of communicating a politically partisan idea to a crowd of ordinary folk. Come on, Bishop. Get a life!

I have similar views about the fuss raised when Audley Shaw made his awkward attempt at allegory regarding Portia Simpson Miller. What's the excitement about? To begin with, Audley didn't refer to Portia as a leggo-beast. He said she was jumping up and down LIKE one. My complaint to Audley would have been that, like his Apocryphan counterpart, R.U. Shaw, I'm pretty 'Shaw' he didn't quite understand what he was saying. Or maybe he just didn't get a proper grip on what he wanted to say. I would ask him, Audley, Are You Shaw? Are you Shaw you want to use that specific symbol? Since leggo-beasts don't necessarily jump up and down but simply 'leggo', I would have made Audley 'Are You' Shaw apologise for endangering the English language and mangling a metaphor.

Perhaps the word he was looking for might have been 'virago', which would have completed a proper metaphor but still wouldn't have been particularly funny. No doubt, this would have caused equal offence (nobody can take rough-and-tumble teasing these days, but they sure can give it) although the word can mean, and did in ancient times mean, 'courageous woman'.

At the end of the day, although he probably would have been better served by not attempting that particular parable especially directed at a woman, the worst offence for which Audley should have been charged was impersonating a comedian or maybe assault and battery on a joke. And, regarding the gender of the barb's target, women must make up their minds as to whether they want real equality or some simpering, discriminatory version of the concept. If women are going to lead political parties, as I believe they should, they must be prepared to take the heat that comes with that occupation. Politics is not for the timid or easily offended. If you don't want to be called hurtful names, join a knitting circle.

In assessing the entire context of the 'leggo-beast' remark, we must remember all the way back to 2007 and Portia's 'jumping up and down' on a political platform, her visage contorted in anger, threatening Audley Shaw, "Don't draw mi tongue!" What's good for the goose ... .

As the nation's humour quotient has declined, political and societal violence has increased exponentially. In my very first column ('There's no 'U' without me in humour'), I vowed to use this series to "revive real humour". I'm grateful for contributions from any source, including the creator of this latest priceless piece of political wit, the irrepressible Abraham Dabdoub. Abe must now prove that he can take it as well as dish it out. In addition to calling Young Andrew 'loader man', he has recently appointed himself policeman to investigate the funding methods of political 'gangs' living in the Gordon House Alley and even proposed a bill in this regard. Accordingly, he shall henceforth be known in this column as 'Officer Dibble'. Bishop, leave Officer Dibble alone. He's forgotten more about Jamaica's political history and gamesmanship than you'll ever know.

Let harmless political banter flourish and entertain without prudish interference based on narrow, thin-skinned, literal interpretations. If words are preferred to sticks and stones or guns and knives, better 'loader man' or even 'leggo beast' than "Blood for blood, fire for fire" or "next time, next time ... ."

Peace and love.

Gordon Robinson is an attorney-at-law. Email feedback to columns@gleanerjm.com.