The politics of sexual harassment

Gordon Robinson, Contributor

The latest bee in the politically correct brigade's bonnet is the hot topic of sexual harassment.

Booooring! I know it's the new fad to expect men to coexist with women in the world/workplace without asking any woman to provide 'special' companionship, but that's not going to happen. Ladies of the Christian persuasion, I'm especially speaking to you. It's your God who commanded us to go forth and multiply. He also gave us free will. Then, the Holy dilemma created by these two amoral fundamentals was resolved by giving men the requisite desire and equipment to convert free will into Free Willy. Women were handed the complementary maternal instinct, but their plant and equipment's multiplication capabilities were severely limited for the better and more concentrated application of the said maternal instinct.

Men have been singled out by militant women for decades as perpetrators of 'sexual harassment' (whatever that is) originally as a tool of the nobler objective of empowering women in male-dominated societies. But it's taken on a life of its own and, suddenly, no man dare ask any woman, whether crudely or politely, to copulate for fear of being labelled (gasp!) a male chauvinist pig! It's ironic that women, who have used sex as a weapon from the days of the ancient Greeks, have now dug up the nerve to criticise men for doing what comes naturally to them. But, here we are.

lawyers getting share

Now lawyers, perennial leeches unable to resist the smell of money, have attached themselves to the rear end of this oxymoronic concept and tweaked the absurdity of 'sexual harassment' into the more amenable to being criminalised 'sexual harassment at the workplace'. Evidently, man can beg itinerant women on the bus for sex but not a co-worker with whom he probably spends more time and knows better than his wife. If she says 'no', as is her inalienable right, he can do no right thereafter, having already made her 'uncomfortable'.

Mark my word (another in joke for the turfites), soon law firms will create niche markets; develop sexual-harassment law departments; deliver seminars on sexual harassment; all to the glorious end of producing 30 billable hours in a 24-hour day.

The whole 'preckeh' reminds me of the famous case of R v Pluto Shervington:

"Oh, Lord, anybody see my trial grieve for I.

Why, Lord, I was badly beaten; found by loved ones

battered by an irate husband

searching for a man that wasn't I.

When we reached the court we ga'an inside,

De hand of justice shall preside

over this case the trial shall begin."

Men have always been naturally polygamous. It's God's fault. He gave men the burden (and benefit) of the obligation to multiply. Muslims, long ago, understood and arranged to contain what Christians call 'sexual harassment' by legalising polygamy. Christianity still insists on juggling fundamental theological paradoxes of multiplication and monogamy while frowning on 'sexual harassment'. Consequently, men in Christian societies have become geniuses at inventing excuses to trick women into having sex. The ingenuity 'multiplies' when they're caught:

"Your Honour, I was inside de closet

minding I and I own business.

Your Honour, it was a complete stranger

causing these disturbances.

Him claim seh me touch 'im wife

which is a wicked and awful lie.

Me two hand dem was occupied;

me shirt in me left

and me pants in me right."

With men, everything's a contest, and the worst allegation possible is that somebody's better than him at any sport, outdoor or indoor. It's this competitive spirit that helps men, to whom God, by word and deed, has handed the solemn responsibility to ensure the long-term survival of the human race, obey the command to multiply.

And speaking of competitions, Your Honour by Pluto Shervington, is one of Jamaica's best and funniest creative pieces, but yet, a panel of self-appointed music 'experts' found a way to list 100 'Top Jamaican Songs' in 2009 without including this piece or any by the legendary Ernie Smith, one of Jamaica's best songwriters, except for his World Song Contest-winning advertisement jingle-turned-pop song Life is Just For Living, which squeezed in at 79th spot. No space was found for Jah Kingdom Gone to Waste; Duppy Gunman; All For Jesus; Ride on, Sammy; Elsada; or Don't Worry, Mama, I'm Free. Yet, vanilla-pop cover versions like My Boy Lollipop made the top five. Go figure.

But I digress. Regarding competition, in case you believe women don't do it too:

"Dear Judge, can this court accept my story from me heart?

Why, Judge, if by chance you don't believe this tale,

ask him why she will not fail to agree

I was a better man than he.

Just in case she refuse to answer,

ask de maid downstairs, Agatha.

She'll only be glad to testify for me."

Lawyers, give it a rest. We already have laws against wrongful dismissal, including termination for refusal to have sex or any other uncomfortable sequelae from an inappropriate request for special favours. The law even includes a remedy for 'constructive dismissal', where the employer makes life so uncomfortable for the employee that he/she resigns rather than allowing the employer to fire him/her.

If we're not careful, we'll end up like America, where presidential candidates are routinely persecuted for their sex lives. The most recent persecutor admits that her 'no' to a crude advance was respected; kept silent publicly for 14 years; but exits the private arena to the melodic jingling of cash registers with women's-rights champion Gloria Allred at her side as soon as her 'harasser' runs for office.

Puh-leeeze!

"Dear Corporal,

as you lock me in this prison pray for I.

Please, Corporal,

please don't leave me here to wonder

why de court has made dis blunder

grabbed me for a crime that wasn't fair.

Corporal, when you goin to send me dinner,

send your mother or your sister.

One more day of this I cannot bear."

America, get over it. Sexual politics doesn't mix with national politics. In America, you're fired from office if you've had a gay or heterosexual affair; or used a gay code in a public sanitary convenience; or sent soft pornographic pictures of yourself over the Internet. One president was actually impeached for accepting fellatio. Soon, only eunuchs will be permitted as candidates.

In Jamaica, our flirtation with 'sexual harassment' could result in only eunuchs or women being qualified CEOs. Is THAT what women really want? As Arsenio used to say, "Things that make you go hmmmmmm."

Peace and love.

Gordon Robinson is an attorney-at-law. Email feedback to columns@gleanerjm.com.