Xmas nightmare

With bright green and orange, splattered with yellow, and if you are lucky a rare blue dot, this looks like Yuletide. Jingle bells, they say, as Rudolph, the red-nose reindeer, leads a pack of mindless quadrupeds. This antlered ruminant, who was not ready for the leading role in guiding the sleigh, was suddenly thrust into 'poll' position and is expected to fulfil all of the expectations of a naïve population, clad in at least one of the Christmas colours.

However, the fat man with the white facial hair sits even farther behind. There is the myth that, somehow, in a few short hours he and his pack of elves can reach all of the households. Even more incredible is the likelihood that what is contained in the open flying sleigh can fill all the needs of an increasing electorate. Not quite omniscient, he guaranteed that he could secretly know when you were sleeping or awake or good or bad, and he and his elves can tap into your conversations.

It is rumoured that the roads are in poor shape, filled with ditches, politician potholes and JDIPs and rises, so Santa might have needed to drive a JEEP last night and next year. However, unless there is a petroleum source from Holland, where Santa originated from, it might not even get a chance to be driven.

Christmas dream denied

I was dreaming of a bright Christmas, one full of goodwill and cheer, where the only things which mattered were the prospect of spending quality time with my 'peeps' and loved ones. Christmas cake, ham and sorrel, interestingly called Jamaica by Latin Americans, were my images as I slumbered. Fee-fee balloons tweeted and neighbours collaborated in painting walls, kerbs and tree trunks with white lime. As the dream progressed, there was the masquerade with the Jonkonnu dancers, menacing children and pretending that they are up to no good, but seeking donations of money and sometimes a bit of food.

And then ... pop! I jumped up out of my idyllic dream to a nightmare. Neighbours were, indeed, wearing colours of Christmas, but they were not cooperating. Alas, painting was taking place but most of it was by semi-literate activists who, in support of their respective parties scrawl '9NP a bass' and 'JL9 can crass it'. And the colours are the ugliest shades of orange and green possible. Then there are claims of intimidation, billboards which deface themselves, shootings of persons by themselves and friends, including those on the buses, and one case of homicide involving one supporter of a party killing an opponent of another creed.

Add to that the revisit of Copie the poltergeist or DeLaurence, the obeah man, as missiles mysteriously appeared from nowhere in the spiritual deacon's constituency, pelting the motorcade of the prime minister of education. And not even a direct line from the deacon, who has God on speed dial, or the police seem to have any report of it. High 'sciance' indeed, and it was not in a parish stereotyped for such incidents.

Shallow chatter

A lot of tomfoolery is being said on the campaign trail, and I must have been dreaming when I heard a prominent member of the JLP speaking about the pretty women in their party. Such shallow references are just as asinine as earlier comments by another government referring to men having "more gyal". After all, inasmuch as former Miss World Lisa Hanna is, hands and feet down, the most beautiful woman in Caribbean politics, she gets no votes from me unless she deals with issues. As we have seen with many, beauty often is a vaccination against brainpower.

It got worse. A week before I woke up this morning, images of a mediocre debate between Jake and the Fat Man resurfaced, as they tried to spoil my Christmas. Then five days ago, the Jonkonnus returned as two contenders pretended to be serious candidates. As with the principal character in the masquerade, two skirts were visible. The first, a noun, was worn by the president of the People's National Party (PNP), and the other, a verb, was what the leader of the Jamaica Labour Party (JLP) did as he was required to provide us with answers to the issues.

At the end of the charade, we got no Christmas present of a clear knowledge about what is in store for us after the election. The governing JLP gave us a 132-page manifesto, which only political analysts who have more or less made up our minds would bother to read. A PNP document, of half the size, though less unwieldy, came too late for the general electorate to digest, and both of these don't go well with sorrel, especially if the overproof rum is not added.

An idealistic PNP government would renegotiate a deal with the International Monetary Fund (IMF) - assuming that the IMF would let them - and redefine the relationship with the Chinese government, so that it could use a quarter of the Jamaica Development Infrastructure Programme (JDIP) funds and use it to fuel its JEEP. Although it might very well be that the JEEP is simply full of gas, at least we know what the PNP and its leader are about. After all, we had 18 and not necessarily laudable years to judge, and the expectations surrounding the presentations by its leader had clear antecedents that we could go by.

No specifics

However, apparently well-schooled in the art of elusiveness, if not illusiveness, the prime minister of education left us just as ignorant about what, in real and measurable terms, we were to anticipate regarding the economy. Indeed, while we were warned about the impending dosage of eucalyptus oil, one can't be blamed for suspecting that the oil might even be a much denser lipid, perhaps as unpalatable as petroleum jelly.

Even on the vexed subject of homosexuals in his Cabinet and an examination of the buggery laws, which have earned the ire of Western European, American and Jamaican 'human-rights' interests alike, we are still left in the dark. At least the departed Bruce Golding showed lots of cojones in saying, definitively, "Not in my Cabinet," although one might not believe him. On the other hand, as unpopular as it might be with the religious right she courted in 2006, she took a position which might seem like a reversal, but was a brave one.

Honestly, like the 69 per cent of Jamaicans who responded, I did not want a Christmas election, and that is what this one is. While it is true that we have had five December elections - 1944, 1949, 1976, 1983 and 1997 - all were between December 14 and 20. The first was our inaugural under universal adult suffrage. In the four where there was an incumbent party, all came out successful and got a Christmas present of another term in government. History might favour the JLP, but since none ever went past Christmas and the voters don't like it, it might very well mean that the 'Greench' would steal his own Christmas.

Although the Don Anderson and Bill Johnson polls show the PNP marginally ahead, the gap between both parties is hardly enough to give either comfort. Let me take the opportunity to ask for respect and civility as you make your choice. Whether you back the two fingers or support the fist, mark your Xmas X in peace.

Dr Orville Taylor is senior lecturer in sociology at the UWI and a radio talk-show host. Email feedback to columns@gleanerjm.com and tayloronblackline@hotmail.com.