Creating children who are winners (part II)

By Eulalee Thompson

My reader, whom I'm calling Donna, read my article 'Creating children who are winners', published September 5. She identified strongly with it and was so moved that she wanted to tell her story.

That article indicated that the average Jamaican parent uses a rigid, restrictive, authoritarian parenting style that is usually accompanied by harsh corporal punishment.

Children reared under these conditions tend to be insecure, be poor in self-reliance and self-control, and express their anger at the extremes either passively - for example, in depression - or externalised in risky, socially inappropriate behaviours.

On the other hand, authoritative parenting style is warm and it encourages conversation and input from children.

Usually, authoritative parents discipline their children in a non-punitive way (discussions, explaining and reasoning).

Children managed under this parenting style develop high self-esteem and a can-do attitude to life, and they are usually socially assertive and confident.

Donna's wish is that other readers will learn from her experience as a parent, a professional woman, raising two children.

"I was only 21 when I had my first child. I was young and going to university, and no book existed on how to be a parent so I used the style that was around me. I didn't realise that parenting style played such a big role in my child's behaviour," Donna said.

Her first child was a boy, now 19 years old. Donna parented her child the way she was parented.

"I used to hit him on his lips. Squeeze his ears, twist his nose, whip him. At first, we lived in the United States, and when I moved back to Jamaica, I also told his teacher to beat him. I used to rough him up and really control him. I controlled that child in any way I could, but it never worked," she said.

Pliers on his fingers

There was even an occasion when she reported the child's behaviour to his father. His father, as punishment, placed pliers on his fingers. The child was even taken to a prison cell so that he could get an idea where he would end up.

By age eight to nine years old, the boy was already angry and started rebelling against any authority figure who crossed his path. He defied authority, was nearly expelled from some school, and expelled from others and showed little or no respect for adults.

Donna said she saw her child getting progressively worse as he moved into the teen years. She thought boarding school would be the answer, but he only became more defiant - swearing, getting tattoos, piercing ears - and deliberately being outrageous.

"I couldn't recognise my child. He became a new person. These things (I did were) wrong and all we are doing as adults is making it worse for the next generation by creating a legacy of angry children who grow into angry adults. We need to stop doing this to our children," Donna said.

The second child

Donna was 30 when she had her second child, a girl. She said by then she had realised that, as a parent, she had to do things differently. She made a conscious effort to raise her second child different. She used the parenting style that is warm but firm (the authoritative parenting child). Her second child is now on the cusp of adolescence.

"I was much more mature with my second child and decided I would not beat her. Even when I took her to stay with my mother, I would tell her that we are not going to hit her. I was a parent to her, not her friend. We talked about things, I am more open with her and break things down to her level. She is a much different child to my son. I see no defiance to this day," Donna said.

Her son would often comment on the way Donna is raising her daughter versus the way he was raised.

"He wanted to control her, the way I controlled him. It's like he wants to be me. But, about two years ago, I apologised to him for the way I treated him, and I have started to see a change in his behaviour," she said.

Many thanks to Donna for being bold and sharing her story.

Eulalee Thompson is freelance health editor and a therapist & counsellor in private practice; email: eulalee.thompson@gleanerjm.com.