It's only just big gun

Tony Deyal, Contributor

In the middle of the battle raging in the United States between the right to bear arms and the left to fear arms came this joke:

A redneck walked into a gun shop, and asked for the largest gun in stock. The store owner showed off a 1911 .45 ACP. The redneck asked for something bigger. The store owner brought out a .357 Magnum. The redneck was not satisfied and again asked for a bigger weapon. Out came a Taurus .50 revolver. The redneck was ecstatic. "I love it," he said. "I don't care how much it costs, I'll buy it."

Glad for the sale but curious, the storeowner asked, "Why do you need such a big gun?" The redneck responded, "I'm gonna shoot me some cans." The store owner was surprised at someone wanting such a huge weapon to shoot cans. He questioned, "Cans? What kind of cans?" To which the redneck replied with a huge grin, "Just some AfriCANS, MexiCANS, Puerto RiCANS and even some gay AmeriCANS."

Following the deaths of 20 children and six teachers at the Sandy Hook Elementary School in Newtown, Connecticut, on December 14, 2012, the gun-control debate in the United States has heated up. President Obama, having defeated Mitt Romney and the National Rifle Association (NRA) in the 2012 elections, is seen as public enemy No. 1. An NRA member asked, "What do Abraham Lincoln, John F. Kennedy and Barack Obama have in common?" The answer is the chilling, "Nothing YET!"

Comedian Bill Maher quipped, "The NRA made an ad saying that Obama is elitist because his kids have armed guards. Yeah, that crazy Obama thinking his kids need special protection. I love the NRA accusing anyone of being paranoid. It's like a septic tank saying, 'You need a mint.'"

Jimmy Fallon said, "In a recent attack ad, the NRA claims that President Obama cares about his own children more than he cares about other children. In response, President Obama was like, 'Yeah, that's how families work.'"

THE COMEDIAN'S TAKE

Given the grimness of the debate, I tend to stick to a comedian's eye view of how it is evolving.

Comedian Seth Mayer joked, "Firearms groups across the country have declared today the first annual Gun Appreciation Day. So don't forget to set your clock back 100 years." Commenting on Gun Appreciation Day, which the organisers callously said "honoured the legacy of Dr Martin Luther King Jr", Stephen Colbert remarked, "Yes, Dr King is pro-gun, just as surely as Jesus would be pro-nails."

Jay Leno rubbed it in: "Thousands of dead fish have now washed up on shore along the coast of South Carolina. Today, the NRA said that this wouldn't have happened if those fish had guns."

John Oliver of The Daily Show made a telling point, "One failed attempt at a shoe bomb and we all take off our shoes at the airport. Thirty-one school shootings since Columbine and no change in our regulation of guns." A Facebook group asked, "Oh, you need a magazine that holds 30 rounds? Is that in case the deer starts shooting back?"

There were even sarcastic references to the NRA's boast of knowing exactly what God would have wanted: "Oh, keeping God in schools would have prevented the recent shooting? Please tell me how many cases of child molestation He's prevented in churches" and, "If you're more concerned about possible delays at the gun shop than you are about the safety of our children and our mental well-being as a nation, then maybe it's not really 'God' you've been praying to at night."

FIREARMS TOO SMALL

While all this is happening, the mayor of Port-of-Spain, Trinidad, Louis Lee Sing, wants bigger guns for the city's police force. "We require increased firepower, particularly as we seek to service jobs in east Port-of-Spain, and the equipment that we have, in terms of our police, is not in sync with the kind of equipment that is required to police the hotspots," he said.

"It's not that the firearms are old, but they're small," Lee Sing, a big gun in the Opposition People's National Movement, added.

I suppose that the mayor is unaware of the lesson of the Titanic that size is not everything or even the only thing. It is the kind of mentality that makes penis enhancement one of the fastest-growing industries. Additionally, given Mr Lee Sing's age and stature he, too, might have solid reasons for wanting a bigger weapon and, like the redneck, do it because he CAN. Or maybe, because he's tired from shooting from the lip, now pines for shooting from the hip.

The government's big gun, National Security Minister Jack Warner, responded with, "bigger guns will not solve crime". Given the escalating murder rate, it is clear that while Warner knows what will not work, he has no clue about what will.

The Jamaica Gleaner, commenting on a similar request from the police in Jamaica, stated, "The issue, though, is whether the problem is to be confronted with more and better fire[power] rather than brainpower ... . For in the long, or even the short, run, criminals in Jamaica ... will be defeated not by matching their firepower, but by sophisticated, intelligent policing - in other words, by brainpower."

The problem, of course, is that intelligence is a rare commodity and definite deficiency in our police, as it is in our politicians. I can see the gun situation escalating, and after it reaches the howitzer stage, the mayor ordering 100 tanks. The purchasing clerk mistakenly buys septic tanks and the mayor then boasts, "We have bought a hundred tanks and we are going to have 24/7 patrols in east Port-of-Spain as soon as our soldiers teach our city police how to drive them."

Tony Deyal was last seen saying that the sight of someone waving an automatic at him makes him faint. It is called 'Glock-coma'.