The Domino Awards 2013

By Gordon Robinson

These are the highly anticipated Local Domino Awards.

Buckle up. These awards are intended to be humorous. If you've no sense of humour, or its condition precedent, sense, avert your eyes. What follows may shock or offend you.

The Dunce Award: The coveted Dunce Award is won this year by Audley Shaw for doing more damage to his own political party than the PNP could ever hope to do by forcing it to spend cash (that could've and should've been spent on the next general election) delivering ammunition to the PNP. His Man-a-Yard-in-a-China-shop approach to leadership concerns wasted valuable resources and bolstered the PNP's election armoury. To Audley 'Are You' Shaw, I can only say "... If a macca, mek it jook yu!"

The Dunce Move of the Year Award: CAYMANAS TRACK LIMITED wins hands down for its inane decision to increase the unit stake. At a time when the industry was gasping for air, CTL offered a covering pillow.

Now for my journalism awards (PAJ, eat your heart out):

The Beast Award: Remember The Beast lusted for my sister from afar but lacked the courage to approach? The award in his honour goes to EMILY CROOKS. After her inept, partisan-sounding attack on Andrew Holness regarding senatorial appointments, I tried to teach her the ABCs of the issue. Apparently, I offended the vulnerable young lady (sob), who retreated to her web blog where, under the headline 'When stooping is bad: Inexcusable puerility and sleaze pass for commentary', she essayed a redundant attempt to prove I'm no gentleman (Columbus!).

She repeated bits and pieces of my column without refuting any. Instead, she put on her Don Corleone hat and made me an offer I can't refuse. She wrote: "Had I been one to stoop, I would engage in raw tit for tat with this most learned gentleman." Emily! I had no idea you felt this way. Readers, lookie here. Look at what Emily would offer me (if only she'd "... stoop"). Please, Emily. Pretty please (with sugar on it). Stoop. Don't be afraid. I accept your offer.

Dunce Move of The Year Award for Journalism: Former media chairman MILTON SAMUDA snatches this prize for his attempt to usurp reporters' province believing he could produce, direct, script and edit an interview with his clients.

Dunce Award for Journalism: The defending champ's spirited attempt to retain this prize fails. The winner is, ALAS, radio colleague MICHAEL (Not-so-Abel) CAIN who, oblivious to his many shortcomings, continues to provide the world's worst horse racing coverage. Michael, you're at the track to describe what's happening there for those unable to go. You ever hear Tony Cozier or Andrew Mason repeating ad nauseam what they said last night about who'd win the Test? Trust me, Michael, NOBODY CARES.

Punters waiting to make last-minute wagers want to know how the betting is trending; which horses sport bandages or other undeclared equipment; what that equipment means; who's free to post; who's fluent; who's warm; who's skittish; who's calm. Et cetera; et cetera; et cetera. After the race, Michael, please keep the crowing that a 'Turf Talk' selection won to a bare minimum. With five tipsters picking 10 horses in a nine-horse race, we're not surprised.

At home, we want to know why we lost. Did our nag suffer interference? Was the jockey able to persuade him to change leads? Is there a 'notebook horse' from the race based on trip handicapping? What happened, Michael? We're not there. You are. C'mon, man, "If a macca, mek it jook yu!"

Three serious awards:

Rising Star Journalist of the Year: CVM's PATRIA-KAYE AARONS demonstrates maturity beyond her tender years and a winning personality driven by a warm, relaxed, charming and open-minded approach to her work. She already exhibits interest in, and knowledge of, a variety of subjects and is obviously a beautiful person inside and out. Her potential is limitless.

Journalist of The Year: The great Dionne Jackson-Miller is quietly approaching achievement entitling her to stand together with past legends like Abrahams (Peter), Cargill, Mowatt or Maxwell. She stands head and shoulders above her peers. Her review of the growth of media over the last 60 years was a masterpiece of world-class proportions.

PERSONALITY OF THE YEAR: Songbird TESSANNE CHIN did more in 2013 than anybody else to put Jamaica's name on the world stage. Her rendition of the seminal Bridge Over Troubled Water was the best performance by a female vocalist all year.

Peace and love.

Gordon Robinson is an attorney-at-law. Email feedback to columns@gleanerjm.com.