How to know when a man is 'taken'

Shelly-Ann Harris, GUEST COLUMNIST

A friend's husband has finally left her. Everyone is stunned - friends, family, mother-in-law, the neighbours. The children don't understand yet but, of course, they will also not take it well.

The truth, however, is that this has been a long time in the making. The husband had been 'gone' for quite a while, but he still came home every evening and slept in the marital bed, defiled with such frigidity the sheets and conversations were unruffled and chilly. A keen observer would notice that look of not being 'taken' in his eyes, when he beheld other women or how he spoke about his life and his dreams.

Certainly, married men can look upon other beautiful women and admire their curves and twirls without being culpable. Others may even offer a compliment or break the rules and flirt with them a little and still be 'taken' by their wives.

Their issue is different; they may have a character flaw that needs confession, counselling and repentance. But when the man's eyes, words, actions and smile lack a sense of 'taken-ness', 'the writing may be on the wall' as far as where his heart lies and the future of the relationship are concerned.

So are there any signs or behaviours that indicate the 'taken-ness' of a reasonably good and mature man? Here are my thoughts. A man who is taken is:

Like a device with GPS and his woman is the keyed-in destination. Though he can track and find many locations, he is not searching. He is programmed, knows where home is and is eager to return. He doesn't roam like a stray animal.

Generally trying to please, love and honour his woman. Even if he is distracted by work, hobbies, friends and other activities now and then, at his core, he wants to make her happy.

Knows when he's done something wrong because the connection between him and his woman can't lie. And because he's taken by her he wants to make it right. His methods of making things right may not be what his woman wants or likes, but should be accepted as a genuine effort of love.

Likely to get upset when his woman hurts him and needs her to make amends. If he doesn't care, something is wrong.

Not necessarily talking about his woman incessantly but she comes up often enough for those close to him to know that she holds a special place in his life. If the close friends of a man don't know that he is in a relationship, or, worse yet, married, then something is very, very wrong.

Likely to think about the future and make plans for a happy, safe and fulfilling life for them both. This is not necessarily about the quality or veracity of the plans - but the simple fact that his heart is taking her with him into the future, God willing.

Moved to protect her from external attacks even when she is wrong, but still shows her where she has erred. He is a defender of his woman.

Oftentimes considering his woman's thoughts, feelings, needs and desires and tries to fulfil them.

If you feel that your man is 'gone' and it's only a matter of time, maybe there is hope or maybe it's time to call it quits. If the man is your husband and you want it to work, seek professional counselling, pray, fast and ask God to work a miracle. Not necessarily because the man is so great, but because marriage can be an honourable thing that brings great rewards to your life and family.

I've seen God restore some of the most devastated of marriages. Remember that God is the third person in a marriage and, therefore, miracles can and do happen. If the third person in your marriage is another woman, however, then that's a whole other matter for another blog!

If the man is not your husband and no children are involved and he wants to leave, let him. It may be a blessing in disguise and may save you from future heartache and depression. The man, after all, should be pursuing you; it shouldn't be a situation of you 'henkering' or begging for his love. After all, in the fulfilling romantic relationship "my lover is mine and I am his" - Solomon 2:16.

Is your man taken (by you)?

Shelly-Ann Harris is a communications specialist. Email feedback to columns@gleanerjm.com and shellyannharris@gmail.com. Check out her blog at www.letsgoUpstream.wordpress.com.