Dear Doc: While my husband is away ...

Q Doc, people think of me as a respectable, well-behaved wife and mother. But that is not quite true and I am embarrassed to admit it.

The fact is that when my husband isn't around, I can't help masturbating. I know it seems shocking, but my excuse is that he just doesn't satisfy me anymore.

When we were first married, he was pretty good in bed. He took the time to satisfy me, and to make sure that I orgasmed. He was happy to do 'finger-petting', and even cunnilingus.

But in the last few years, everything has changed. He is away a lot on business. And when he is home, we do have sex - but it is quick, and all over within a few minutes. He seems to think that it is OK to discharge after a few minutes, then rolls over and goes to sleep.

So he very rarely causes me to orgasm. It just does not seem to enter his mind! The situation is so bad that on some nights after he has started snoring, I have brought myself to climax. Otherwise, I would get so frustrated, and not be able to sleep.

Similarly, whenever he is away on business, my body just aches for sexual fulfilment. So I take the obvious remedy, and make myself orgasm - sometimes two or three times.

Do you think this is terrible of me? What can I do, doctor? Will this practise harm my health?

A No, I do not think this is 'terrible' of you. I assure you, there are quite a few women who choose to masturbate when they are feeling sexually frustrated. Health wise, you are not doing yourself any harm at all.

What interests me is the question of why your husband has stopped giving you sexual satisfaction. Clearly, he is able to have intercourse - so he has not 'lost his nature.' But he just seems to have given up on the idea of providing you with any pleasure or fulfilment.

There are several possible reasons why he might be behaving like this:

1. He may perhaps feel that because you are no longer in the 'first flush of youth', the time for petting and oral sex is really over. If so, that is really a very ill-informed and selfish attitude on his part.

2. Maybe he feels tired, or even ill. But that is no excuse for 'taking his pleasure' while totally ignoring yours.

3. I am sorry to raise this matter, but there has to be a possibility that he has become attracted to someone else and maybe he puts most of his energy into making sure that she is satisfied. Mind you, I must emphasise that this is just a theory. It is quite possible that he has never cheated on you.

But whatever the reason for his failure to satisfy you, it is plain that something must be done about the situation, as soon as possible. If things are left to continue like this, then I feel that your marriage will be in severe danger.

What often happens in these circumstances is that the frustrated wife is so desperate that she takes a lover. I saw such a case recently, and the woman actually went off with another woman who, she said, gave her all the sexual satisfaction she required.

Don't misunderstand me. I am certainly not suggesting that you take a lover - male or female. But you must do something pretty fast to save your marriage.

So I advise you to sit down with your husband this week, and tell him that you have had enough of being left unsatisfied! Explain to him that a woman does have sexual needs and that yours are not being fulfilled.

Also, I think that you and he should go to a good counsellor for a few sessions. There are now a number of these services listed in the Yellow Pages. Good luck.

Painful, cracked foreskin

Q I am a 30-year-old man and I have had diabetes for 14 years. In the last few months, my foreskin has become sore and 'cracked.' This makes sex with my girlfriend almost impossible, because of the pain. Is all this caused from the diabetes?

A As I am sure you know, diabetics tend to pass sugar in the urine. That encourages infection by micro-organisms, such as yeast. And often the result is painful cracking of the foreskin.

So you must see a doctor right away. He will examine your organ, and he may prescribe an anti-yeast cream, to be used for several weeks. But if that does not work, you may need to have a circumcision.

Could my hectic love life harm me?

Q Doc, I am in my late 20s, with a successful career in show business. Doctor, I will tell you the truth, I have had many lovers, both in this country and the United States.

Please do not advise me to change my lifestyle, because I have always loved men, and I always will! My existence seems to depend on romance and fun with men.

I have never had to worry about pregnancy, because I have been on the Pill since I was 18 years old. But I would like your advice about whether the life I lead could affect my health.

A As it relates to the Pill, can I just point out that you will not be able to stay on it forever. When you get into your 30s, you should start considering other methods, such as the mini-Pill or the coil (IUD).

Now there are two big dangers linked to your lifestyle. They are:

1. Cancer of the cervix. Women who have a lot of lovers are much more liable to get this. Therefore, you should find a good doctor here in Jamaica, and ask her to do regular Pap smears for you.

2. Sexual infections. Alas, there are many of these. They include gonorrhoea, chlamydia, herpes, and HIV. So please protect yourself as much as possible, by insisting that your lovers use condoms.

Also, ask the doctor to do regular tests for these infections. So if you catch anything, he or she will be able to give you prompt advice and treatment.

Sex after a hysterectomy

QI am considering the possibility of having a hysterectomy. But would I be able to have sex afterwards?

A Certainly. But after the operation, you will have to wait a few months to ensure that everything has healed. Be guided by your gynaecologist.

Why does she 'gush'?

Q Doctor, I have met a beautiful and extraordinary woman, and I plan to marry her.

One problem: whenever she discharges, she produces a little gush of fluid.

Has she got some serious 'woman's trouble?'

A No. A few women do this when they orgasm. It is called 'female ejaculation,' and it is nothing to worry about.

deardoc@gleanerjm.com