Checking the health of the heart with dating coach Kiffra Codner

Lovers have been embracing that special day and season of love. Where’s your boyfriend? Chances are, he’s blocked by the person you’re with now, or non-existent due to your own insecurities and traumas. Men, this goes for you too; women aren’t as complicated as you think. We often speak on the physical elements of wellness, but what about the emotional health?

Dating and relationship coach, Kiffra Codner, believes people are either tired of love and avoiding it completely or loving for all the wrong reasons.

“There are several things that contribute to people being stuck in toxic dating patterns; low self-esteem is one. Women will feel undeserving so they settle for men they know aren’t right for them. Some men and women date for the wrong reasons; money, loneliness, to spite their ex; and end up in and out of relationships,” she told Lifestyle.

Additionally, Codner highlighted poor communication, as well as setting unrealistic expectations as major causes for the demise of a pre-boarding, docked or sinking relationship. And there are those who enter the dating scene and relationships in search of an ‘other half’, and “expect the poor man or woman who is struggling with their own issues to fix them”.

Codner knows all too well about these issues since she once found herself in a “situationship”.

“I thought I had found the real thing, so I was extremely disappointed, hurt, angry, and in a state of disbelief when I found out he was with someone else,” she explained. His reason for keeping his ‘wifey’ a secret was to make her his side piece, but that was one position she never signed up for.

“As soon as I found out, I told him I wasn’t going to be with a married man. Di man cuss me off good and proper! He told me I wasn’t a ‘ride or die’, and that I never really loved him,” she pointed out.

Codner decided that she wasn’t going to blame all men for this one man’s unethical behaviour. In hindsight, she believed she had a hand to play in this outcome for not requesting all the necessary information to forge ahead.

“I deleted every trace of him from my phone and blocked his number. I also stepped away from the dating scene for a while to do some introspection. I was doing something that was causing me to attract men who couldn’t love me the way I desired, and I wanted to fix that,” she surmised.

A woman who was all about her lists, she devised not one, but two: one had reflected all that she wanted from a man and the other, a healthy list, highlighted what she needed in a partner.

“My first list was unrealistic. I thought I was being detailed and included things like how I wanted the man to smell. After my failed relationship with the married man, I tore up that list because he had most of the qualities I had listed and it still hadn’t worked out,” she confessed.

The second list was created from a place of submission to God and trusting in Him to find her the ideal partner. “It had my non-negotiables and the things I needed to feel safe and happy in a relationship, such as integrity and kindness. If true love came with a six-pack, great. If it didn’t, that’s still great.”

She went on a journey of self-healing and self-love. On that roadway, she discovered her own struggles with low self-esteem which placed her on a destructive dating cycle.

“I moved from a place of settling because I didn’t feel deserving or good enough to have the relationship I desired. I released negative thoughts that I would never find love, that nobody would ever love me, and that there were no good men out there. I started believing that I was worthy of love and began to speak that belief to myself. I also waited well, building myself up and preparing to be a good wife,” she enthused.

Before she knew it, Codner found herself on the right side of love. Dating with purpose led her to the love of her life and the two took their commitment all the way to holy matrimony.

So what exactly does a healthy relationship look like? According to the dating and relationship coach, “A healthy relationship is one where you can be yourself without fear of being judged or put down, while simultaneously being inspired to grow. Your needs are being met; there is open and honest communication; there is love, respect, and trust; and you feel safe, supported, and fulfilled.”

In the counselling and ‘Cupid’ spirit, we asked Codner to weigh in on the health of the heart.

How do you determine if you’re dating exclusively?

By simply asking. Dancing around or making assumptions about the answer helps no one, especially when the issue of cheating or other transgressions arise

“There’s a difference between dating discreetly and dating in secret. The latter quite often leads to heartbreak,” she declared.

How does one go about having better sex with his or her partner?

In relationships, Codner, who is a devout Christian, strongly recommends asking for what you want. “Asking might mean using your words, or it might be guiding your partner into what you want, using more touch than talk. Give your husband or wife positive reinforcement when something feels good and be willing to guide them away from anything that isn’t as exciting.”

She continued by sharing, “To the Christian wives reading this, please don’t lie on your back and roll up your nightgown. Sex is a gift from God, which should be enjoyed with your husband. So be playful, be adventurous, try a different location, or time, and every so often, switch out the flannel nightgown for something lacy. Your husband will be very pleased.”

What is the key to a happy marriage?

“This is a house with plenty of doors, so there’s no one key,” Codner stated. Including God at the heart of the relationship has been the foundation of everything she has built with her husband. “My husband and I are emotionally, sexually, financially, and spiritually compatible. I am myself with him and he is himself with me. We are both sports junkies, so we hang out together a lot. I really like my husband and liking each other makes a world of difference,” she said.

For those looking to meet someone special, Codner advises that you work on becoming a single, whole person, before entering a partnership.

krysta.anderson@gleanerjm.com