Men, too, are hurting

Paul H Williams

Sunday Gleaner Writer

THE RECENT suspected suicide of a man in St Catherine has again thrust into the spotlight, the mental health of Jamaica men who often resort to either killing themselves or their spouses, or both as they internalise their hurt.

Prior to that incident, there were several cases of murder/suicide reported in the media, including that of Stephanie and Keith Ellis, of Bonitto Crescent, Mandeville in January; ‘Robert’ and Alicia Smithson of Cambridge, Westmoreland in December last year; and Elleo Russell and Georgina Reid of Paradise Heights in St James in October last year.

There are myriad reasons why men are pushed to the edge mentally, and oftentimes literally jump into the deep end. Last year, there were two videos depicting men who were in emotional distress, that got much attention in social media. In one of the videos, a man is seen crying profusely seemingly upset about something that had been done to him by a woman he called “Munchie”.

With tears gushing down his face, he said, “Mi nuh do yuh nutten at all, my girl; mi nuh duh yuh nutten. Mi lef come a America, and see mi a try sort out mi and yuh life yuh uh, and fi we can have a better life, and people can see we, and see the struggles wheh wi a come from, and a dis yuh duh mi? Mi a beg yuh tell mi pickney dem yuh nuh, Munchie, if dem find mi dead inna de house, tell mi pickney dem, dem Daddy did love dem, and dem Daddy did try, and dem Daddy always mek sure dem always have suppen. Yuh fi tell dem yuh nuh, mi a beg yuh, tell dem yuh nuh, mi a beg yuh.”

He did not say exactly what Munchie did, but clearly, he was contemplating suicide.

In the other clip, a popular Jamaican artiste spills his guts about how women are only interested in money, and not anything else. The men were vocalising the hurt and pain which they are experiencing.

Many men too who are victims of abuse or live in a toxic situation end up being the abuser themselves.

Thus, the question is always, “Why did he not seek help?” Family and Religion reached out for answers to Lanny Davidson, a victim of psychological and emotional abuse himself, and founder of the Men’s/Father Crisis Centre and Fathers in Action.

“Men are traditionally the protectors, so it is not easy for hurting men to seek help. We have been socialised (socially engineered) to "tough it out" or to "man up", and when we don't, we are ridiculed. Often over and over about the same matter,” he said.

“If we are abused and we retaliate or defend ourselves, we are labelled as the abuser, and oftentimes other men, as well as women, will side with the real abuser and abuse us even further. So we have learnt not to seek help and to just internalise it, which is not good, as this can make our outbursts to further or even milder abuse ‘deadly’.

*Another element of concern, he notes, is where in instances persons in authority use epithets that belittle and emasculate male victims. So in this homophobic society, abused men keep quiet and suffer in silence rather than have their dignity trampled upon.

Nevertheless, Davidson says, “Men can go to a trusted friend or seek professional counselling. Also, some police and church personnel are trained and are sensitive to matters concerning men. They can seek out these persons to speak with." He notes too that men may seek support from the Women's Crisis Centre, which he says has been helpful in the past with assisting men with counselling.