Couples urged to seek early counselling as fertility issues might cause sex lives to ‘lose flavour’

For some long-term, committed couples who struggle with infertility issues, their private lives begin to suffer as intimate moments such as engaging in sexual intercourse are no longer viewed as a pleasurable pastime, but instead as a chore.

Although within a household domestic duties are vital to maintain a healthy atmosphere, engaging in sexual activity with one’s spouse is far from what should be grouped into the category of being a routine and, in some cases, a tedious task that is lacking in spontaneity.

Speaking with The Gleaner recently, under condition of anonymity, Martin James*, who has been married to his wife for more than five years is of this view as he expressed that his own sex life has ‘lost its flavour’.

James, who is in his early 30s, detailed how traumatic of an experience he had when having to conduct multiple tests to find out if the infertility issues came from him or his wife.

“Being male, the first thing you [want to know is that] annuh your fault to ease yourself from the emotional bruise to your ego to say ‘you cyah breed nothing, something wrong with you’,” he said, noting the societal pressures on men and the expectation of them to produce a lot of children.

“I did the test, had to masturbate in a cup and carry it to a particular place at a particular time ... that was a whole experience in itself,” he continued.

James stated that such experiences, coupled with having to schedule the perfect date and time with his wife to engage in sexual intercourse with the hopes of achieving conception, became exhausting which reduced his interest in wanting to be a part of the activity that was intended to offer pleasure.

Instead, he said, the circumstances around it have resulted in the interaction feeling “experimental”, especially as different approaches are attempted.

Psychologist Dr Leahcim Semaj believes that this is an opinion that resonates with many couples as they undergo the emotional strains that the relationship is put under during this time. He added that the strain on the relationship is also heightened due to issues such as a lack of open and honest communication and both parties failing to seek counselling and diagnosis from earlier on in their complications.

As the problems within the relationship continue to build, “the positive bonding of sexuality takes a back seat”, Semaj said, while arguing that these tensions would result in an emotional roller-coaster affecting the psyche of both individuals.

“Some amount of blaming will start to take place ... and so social isolation [takes place] where they withdraw from activities and other people because with time relatives and friends start to ask questions,” Semaj said.

Disparaging terms

He added that, in Jamaica, various “disparaging terms on both sides [such as] ‘man a fire blank’, ‘man is a eunuch’, ‘woman is a mule’,” are used by friends and loved ones who lack the consideration of the possible impact of these negative remarks on the individuals.

Semaj further stated that the idea, more so around marriage is that after consummating the relationship, the general expectation is that the couple will begin to start producing children, but noted that many were often unmindful of the sexual difficulties that could arise when trying to conceive a child.

Studies have shown that, in comparison to younger men, males over 40 tend to have fewer healthy sperm. Meanwhile, the prime reproductive years for women are between their late teens to late 20s. By age 30, this marks the onset of a reduction in fertility (the capacity to become pregnant). Once you reach your mid-30s, this deterioration occurs more quickly. Getting pregnant spontaneously is improbable by the age of 45 due to a significant drop in fertility.

Semaj, therefore, expressed how important it is to be sensitive towards one another.

“Understand that this is not just a joke matter, because for most people, having a child is one of the easiest things, but, if you understand how many people struggle with fertility issues, and even beyond fertility, how many people have miscarriages ... oftentimes unless it happens to you or someone close to you, you don’t realise how the miracle of birth is such a powerful miracle that it appears so easy,” he explained.

He encouraged couples to get professional help from early, be transparent with trusted friends and close family members about the issue from earlier on to stave off criticisms, and to ensure they find ways to make sexual interactions fun and exciting while also trying to accomplish the goal of conception.

“Every family gathering the question will come up. Initially it comes up in joke, but then after a while, unless somebody comes out and just says ‘listen, we’ve been struggling with this,’ [the insensitivity] just continues,” he said, noting that this was a primary reason couples begin to isolate themselves.

asha.wilks@gleanerjm.com