Tony Deyal | Tony and other old jokes

When Indranie asked me what my column today was about, I answered, "Old jokes," and seeing her meaningful look, I added very quickly, "They much older than me. In fact, the first one we know about was from 1900 BC."

She still grinned and I quickly continued, "Actually, many of them are still around, although the names of the persons involved and the circumstances have changed." This is what I find fascinating. I keep seeing jokes and memes about Trinidad and Tobago's prime ministers that are also Trump jokes that were Nixon jokes and go really far back in time. Take this example.

President Richard Nixon, secretary of state, Henry Kissinger, humanist, Dr Albert Schweitzer and a Boy Scout were in an airplane flying over the African jungle. The plane developed engine trouble and the pilot told them that they would all have to bail out before the plane crashed. The pilot then grabbed a parachute, put it on, threw open the cabin door and jumped out.

Richard Nixon then looked at the shelf where the parachutes were stored and realised that there were only three remaining. He put one on, saying, "I am the leader of the free world, I must have one of these," and jumped out of the plane. Henry Kissinger then picked up another parachute and said, "I am the smartest man in the world, I cannot perish in a plane crash," and bailed out.

Dr Schweitzer then turned to the Boy Scout and said, "You should take the last parachute, young man." And the Boy Scout said "No, it is OK, the smartest man in the world just took my knapsack." I heard this one about Burnham and even Tom Adams.

There is a joke that one of my friends told me about former Jamaican prime minister and trade union leader, Sir Alexander Bustamante. At a political meeting in Montego Bay, the crowd started a riot which was rapidly spreading to the streets. 'Busta' (as the prime minister was known) called the police chief in Kingston over a crackling landline and said, "Things bad here. Come quick. We need gun, plenty gun."

The man asked his prime minister to speak louder as the line was bad and he could not make out what he was saying. Finally, after several attempts, the exasperated Busta said loudly, "GUN. 'G' for Jesus, 'U' for Europe and 'N' for pneumonia."

I have heard various versions and some new variations, including the one attributed to Chanka Maharaj, a Trinidad politician. When, addressing a crowd at an election rally, Chanka asked rhetorically, "Who give you bread? B-R-E-D, bread," his assistant whispered quietly, "You leave out the 'a'." Chanka nodded and then corrected himself, "B-R-E-D-A, bread."

No less funny

The ancient wits were no less funny. Around the fourth century BC, when his barber asked the king, "How would you want your hair cut?" His Majesty answered tersely, "In silence." This one from around 50 BC is still around. Emperor Augustus was touring his empire and noticed a man in the crowd who bore a striking resemblance to himself. Intrigued, he asked: "Was your mother at one time in service at the palace?" "No, Your Highness," he replied, "but my father was."

For those who think that we invented the off-colour, double-meaning and smutty jokes and riddles, this is one from around 800 AD. "What hangs at a man's thigh and wants to poke the hole it has often poked before?" Before you snicker at the obvious, and should your answer be anything but "A key," you're out of lock.

Actually, even joke books existed in ancient times. In fact, the oldest joke was recorded on a Sumerian tablet (Yes, they had them in those days too but made from clay). The Greek collection, the Philogelos, was written around the 4th century, AD. However, the most complete of the ancient collections is one called the Facetiae by Poggio Bracciolini (1380-1459).

Poggio was an Italian scholar who worked for the Pope and said he wrote the book, so that minds "weighed down by a variety of cares and anxieties, should now and then enjoy relaxation from its constant labour, and be incited to cheerfulness and mirth by some humorous recreation".

It was easy for him to joke about priests. "A Friar, who was but moderately considerate, was preaching to the people at Tivoli, and thundering against adultery, which he depicted in colours of the deepest dye. 'It is such a horrible sin,' said he, 'that I had rather undo 10 virgins than one married woman.' Many, among the congregation, would have shared his preference."

Bracciolini also wrote this joke. "I knew an old bishop who had lost some of his teeth and complained of others being so loose that he was afraid they would soon fall out. 'Never fear,' said one of his friends, 'they won't fall.' 'And why not?' enquired the bishop. His friend replied, 'Because my testicles have been hanging loose for the last forty years, as if they were going to fall off, and yet, there they are still.'"

If you think this one is bad, here's a Middle Ages joke from poet Jean de Conde of Hainaut (Belgium) in the 14th century. A game of truth-telling was being played at court by a queen and her retinue. The queen asked a knight if he had fathered any children. He answered that he was childless, and the queen responded, "I do not doubt your word for a moment. For it is easy to judge from the state of the hay whether the pitchfork is any good."

When the laughter died down, the embarrassed knight countered her question by asking the queen, "Is there hair between your legs?" When the queen denied having any, the knight replied, "Indeed I do believe you, for grass does not grow on a well-beaten path."

- Tony Deyal was last seen telling his wife a joke from the Philogelos about the man who was standing over the tomb of his dead spouse when someone asked him, "Who has gone to rest?" The man replied, "Me. Now that I am alone."