Tony Deyal | A hole day’s night

The experts recommend that, when you are in a hole, the first thing to do is stop digging. Interesting, eh? However, I don’t think it is as easy as all that. I believe your response first depends on the kind of hole you’re in. There are 12 types of holes – blind (which my wife says was made for me because of my eyesight difficulties); through (which I think requires the right length); simple (which my friend Simon was known for); and a few more like, tapered hole, threaded hole and one I am yet to see, the screw clearance hole. I found out that the screw hole is a simple hole with a slightly bigger diameter than a screw thread so that the screw can pass through. I knew I was treading in deep water because it allows an object large enough to enable threads of a screw or bolt to pass through but not the head of the screw or bolt being used. A screw like that will force anybody to bolt, even Usain.

After you work out the kind of hole you’re in, your next step is to determine whether you’re digging, dredging or drowning. Most important is to stay far from a Glory Hole in the city of Fellatio or even Incognito. One thing, though, if you don’t know what a Glory Hole is, don’t look into it. I suppose that in using the term “kind of hole” I should have first asked myself whether any hole is at all kind? And, if there are any at all that are of the right kind of kind, what are the criteria for them that makes them different from the others. More important, how do you test them so you could attest that they are indeed kind, or even one of a kind, instead of some we have all met who are totally unkind. Then we have to learn about the different qualities of holes. For example, there is an A-hole, a B or Bee hole and, further down, a P-hole.

The problem in the Caribbean is that we also pronounce “hold” as “hole”. For example, one calypso for a Carnival was “hole on to your man if you love him” and the next line was “Don’t ask me why!” And another was, “Hole the pussy, hole the pussy, hole the pussy cat” and went on to “hold the pussy hole … the pussy hole the pussy, hole the pussy cat.” Technically, a hole is an opening in, or through, a particular medium, usually a solid body. Holes occur through natural and artificial processes, and may be useful for various purposes or even represent a problem needing to be addressed. You can even have a hole in one, which is defined as “a shot that enters the hole from the tee with no intervening shots”. That is known as an “ace”. If you don’t get into the hole, you will not only catch your ace but it will not be spelt or pronounced the same way. To qualify as a hole in one, you must achieve it while playing a round of at least nine holes, and these occur on par three holes. It is like playing the marble game known as “three hole” in which your fingers do the walking, talking and pitching. As described by Simply Trini Cooking, “the holes were named 1st hole, 2nd hole and 3rd hole” and you had to “pitch your marble into the holes in succession”. It is the same in Barbados and Jamaica. The game was first known as ‘Rolley Hole’ and also ‘Indian Marbles’.

In a way, even marbles as a game come under what Aristotle, the Greek philosopher, saw as the whole being greater than the sum of its parts. In terms of parts and the whole, if you are given the components of a motor vehicle, they would have no value unless they were combined to create a car. But what about the hole? It is clear that there are some that are clearly of the highest level. These are the A-holes I already told you about. Then there are a different type of “B” known as ‘Black’ holes. One, the Black Hole of Calcutta, was intended to hold at most a couple of prisoners. On June 20, 1756, after a four-day battle, 145 Indian men and one woman were cruelly herded into the Black Hole. Only 27 survived the 10 horrific hours. Then there is another Black Hole just as bad. The research shows that the focus on race in the US since 2020 hasn’t led to major changes for Black Americans, and they are treated less fairly than white people, especially in dealing with the police. The Gallup Poll, an American multinational analytics and advisory company, found proof that black people were unfairly treated in six everyday situations that were worse in August 2020 than any time since 1997. These included stores and neighbourhood shops, working, getting healthcare, dealing with the police, and also while visiting restaurants, bars, theatres and other entertainment venues.

So, before any US person tells me to shut my Cake-hole, or hole my breath, let’s move on. There are bolt holes and even bold holes. You can “hole” your breath because there are blind holes, through holes, and interrupted ones. Some are simple holes, others are “tapped” holes (in school that was to be hit on the back of your head by someone’s hand), and even tapered and threaded ones. There is also a ‘spotface’ hole. My friend Jimbo decided to drop a fast one on me about a spotface. He said, “Hold it firmly in your hand, put it in your mouth, lick it, straighten it, and put it in the hole.” Then he added, “Man, threading a needle is really difficult work.” I then told him, “You forgot some.” I then reeled out chuckhole, cubbyhole, waterhole, blowhole, bunghole, peephole (and one without the second “p”), and even ratholes and manholes. Some of us even have nose holes.

But, for me, there are “pols” worse than the police so I will end with a poke at a pol-hole. “What do you get if you ask a pol-itician to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth?” Three different answers. “What’s the difference between a pol-itician and a flying pig?” The letter ‘F’. By the way, if you are sharing this or adding to the joke comparing politician to pigs, please hold off. It’s really offensive and disrespectful. Pigs are not all bad. What you should know, though, is that the only time a politician tells the truth is when he calls another politician on the other side a liar. Talking about liars, the former president of the United States, a liar and a crooked man entered a bar in Washington and he drank a cup of coffee. The bartender almost coffee down. My favourite is when terrorists hijacked a place filled with politicians. They threatened that they would release one politician per hour if their demands were not met.

Tony Deyal was last seen asking, “What do golf and dates have in common?” If you end up in the hole, you’re doing something right. Send feedback to columns@gleanerjm.com