Tony Deyal | Little things that count

Many of my friends know the story of my lady friend and I in what we called the ‘balcony’ in the village cinema. Most boys, or men, with other male friends went to ‘pit’. This was the ground floor of the ‘theatre’ where loud shouts, screams, ‘cussing’ and requests like “Kill him. Kill his mother …!” were normal. When this happened, the show inevitably became tough and violent, both on the screen and on the floor. Some of my friends even ‘pelted’ or threw the occasional bottle, just for the hell of it.

The ‘middle passage’ or ‘house’ was where you initially kept some of your distance between the girl you brought to the cinema and your hands, However, once this went without push, shove or “Stop that!”, it was time for ‘balcony’. While the house was ‘touch and go’ with the young ladies, balcony was touch alone, and even more sometimes. It seemed that I had not read the signals well enough, or I took the young lady to balcony too early. As the lights went out and I reached my hands to the front of her dress, she shouted at me for everyone to hear, “Look here man! Stop that you hear?” And I, not realising that that she had a huge bra over tiny breasts, shouted, “Where? Where?”

Now, at 79, the “Look here!” and “Where? Where?” have moved upwards and beyond even the balcony. It has reached what the Americans call “O’Hare” which is an airport but which, for me and others, is a “hairport” where we tell the passengers, “Hair we go again folks!” My only consolation is that I still have some grey hair at the front of my head and, when I see anyone who is totally bald, I consider myself very lucky. I know that my grey hair is hereditary. I got mine from my four children. While I don’t understand the biology of hair growth, because it’s over my head, I have become afraid of hair, especially mohair, which does not suit me and for which goats are killed. And that is the truth and not a yarn. As I told one of my friends, “A great cricketer like you should stick with your natural hair. Heroes never dye!” When he didn’t laugh, I added, “Take my advice. Stop washing your hair with shampoo. Instead, use real poo!”

COOL HIM DOWN

When he started to tell me what I should do with my poo, I decided to cool him down a bit. I told him that, as a really good-looking young man with so much talent, he should read The 13 Small Habits That Actually Reveal a Lot About Your Personality by the Reader’s Digest. The writer, Charlotte Hilton Andersen, started with “It’s the little things.” I almost packed it up with, “These Yankees. Anywhere you go, is Trump!” In fact, when Trump went to a nature park and started to urinate, one of the elephants asked him, “How do you breathe through that tiny thing?” However, even if you believe that it’s the little things that count, just don’t say it in bed. Worse, for many of us like Trump, and without his money, whenever you’re nude, the girls will laugh at you.

For those of you who are interested in improving your personality, the writer says, “You can read volumes into an innocent hair pull, a handshake or seemingly insignificant fashion choice.” I may not be able to go through the full 13, but I will go for a few of the more important ones. One of the simple but seemingly relevant ones is “The way you walk”. According to the experts, people who walk with a measured, even stride and with their heads up convey a confident personality and tend to be socially adept and open. This is why many celebrities and politicians use this ‘power’ walk. It is like the walk of one of my drinking friends. It’s a five-minute walk from his house to the pub but a 30-minute return from the pub to his house. The difference is indeed staggering! It is not just the walking from the pub but also from the hospital. My colleague Johnson claimed that he had a prostate exam and the doctor then walked out as the nurse walked in. The nurse then asked Johnson something he and no other man ever wants to hear, “Who was that?”

HANDSHAKE

The next important area is the handshake. It is not just about why Americans shake hands as a greeting, even though it helps you to know they’re only holding one gun each. The expert, Patrick Wanis, PhD, says that your handshake expresses a lot about you in just a few seconds. A simple firm and brief handshake with one up-and-down motion shows you have a confident personality, while a limp handshake indicates you are insecure or afraid. Even though I learnt that what men do standing up, and women do sitting down, and dogs do by lifting one leg, is to shake hands, I followed what Mr Wanis recommends. He advised, “Never wipe your hand just after you have shaken hands with someone, because that communicates that you find the person dirty or that you are someone who is overly worried about germs.” All I can do is ask my friends if they heard the joke about the germ. Then I change my mind because I don’t want them to spread it around.

Another area is your ‘email etiquette’, especially with rich people, because they have a lot of manners. Christine B.L. Adams, MD, suggested, “If you want to really understand yourself or others, you need to look at behaviours … .” She believes that most personality tests are a bunch of ‘hooey’ because they are too superficial and, if you’re trying to pick up cues, the answer may lie in the emails. Narcissists will generally use words such as “I, me, and mine” while extroverts tend to be more casual and talk about fun things, like music and parties. More, it’s not what you say but how you say it. An absence of typos is a sign of someone’s conscientiousness, whereas poor grammar can indicate lower levels of IQ. Ms Adams also believes that long emails reflect energy and thoroughness but also some level of neediness. What she didn’t say is what group this person belongs to. When on a romantic date with a lady, a male colleague felt the need to use the bathroom. He excused himself by saying, “Excuse me, please. I need to go to shake hands with a dear friend of mine who I hope to introduce to you later tonight.”

I’m sorry that I cannot go through the rest of the 13 small habits that will reveal a lot about your personality, not even later tonight. It’s worse if you have a split personality. A psychiatrist told one of my colleagues that he had a split personality and charged him $200. My friend gave the psychiatrist $100 and told him to get the rest from the other idiot.

Tony Deyal was last heard laughing at this joke, “It’s proper manners to knock on the fridge door before opening it. Just in case there’s a salad dressing!” Send feedback to columns@gleanerjm.com