Sat | Apr 13, 2024

Three Christmas crackers

Published:Thursday | December 17, 2015 | 12:00 AMGordon Robinson, Contributor
Andre Russell, West Indies fast bowler.
Donna Parchment Brown has been bashed by columnist Gordon Robinson.

Since we're determined to embrace British rule forever, I purchased a box of three Christmas crackers.

The Christmas cracker is a tube-shaped box wrapped in pretty paper. It contains a gift to be 'won' by the one (of two persons pulling it apart causing an embedded firecracker to explode) holding the 'bigger half' (like wishbone breaking). I challenged The Old Ball and Chain to the Christmas Crackers game and won the first pull. My gift was the text (as posted by my favourite MP) of Andre Russell's defence of his T20 cricket focus. Russell said:

"You can't go into a supermarket and say I used [to play] for the West Indies, I had 10 half-centuries and 15 hundreds. You can't get groceries like that; you have to live. You can't be begging on the road, you can't live off your stats."

Congratulations, Andre, on your impeccable application of Goodman's Law. Remember Goodman's Law? Don't ask if it's about the money. It's ALWAYS about the money. I love your perspective, Andre: Alienate West Indian cricket fans; chase easy cash; and measure success by the amount of cash currently in pocket, not by performance. Wait a minute, doesn't this sound like the West Indies Test team? Hmmmm ... .

Obviously, Andre believes cricketers are unique, despite the sole recognisable dissimilarity from everybody else being a diverse skill. In the real world, education comes, first so one can always find alternative employment even after sporting careers end. If you place education over quick cash; try to live in harmony with as many as possible in the event you need their help later on; then cash will continue to flow in, even after you've stopped playing. Your groceries will be bought. Greats like Ian Botham, Michael Holding, Shane Warne and even mediocre players like David 'Bumble' Lloyd earn regularly years after they stopped playing.

Don't worry, AndrÈ, these values don't apply to you. Your attitude is the correct one. Your T20 money will never end. Like all former Adam Stanford T20 millionaires and, before them, Rebel Tour participants, your T20 exploits will buy your groceries for life.


BC overjoyed

Old BC won the second Christmas Cracker pull and was overjoyed at the gift inside, namely, a tape of Dwayne Vaz's dancehall debut. His cover version of Vybz Kartel's 2008 release Wah Dem Feel Like was brilliant.

We should be grateful to Dwayne for single-handedly exposing the violent, vulgar, vicious underbelly of local politics and the express support of this sickening culture by political leaders. He also exposed the utter futility of the post of political ombudsman. The chronology is illuminating:

- On Thursday, December 10, Dwayne uttered his repulsive exhortation to PNP supporters to respond to suspected arson at a deputy mayor's office by "loading up" what can only be inferred to be "your guns" despite being cut off at a decisive moment by the DJ playing Kartel's recording. The crowd went wild. Platform dwellers were ecstatic. There was much dancing, prancing and general merriment.

- When first challenged, Dwayne issued a formal statement (December 12) in which he embraced Kartel's "artistry" which, he said, "did find fondness in my musical collection ...". Yet, he insisted his repeating of Kartel's lyrics was only in reference to loading up PNP supporters into vehicles to go to mass meetings, "and so I want to make it abundantly clear there was no intent on my part with regards to anything to do with violence or encouraging violence, or for any form of retaliation." I kid you not! He had TWO DAYS to consider before issuing this disingenuous rubbish.

- He repeated this putrid position in several radio interviews up to and including Monday, December 14.

- After 'meeting' the political ombudsman behind closed doors, Dwayne finally issued an apology of sorts on December 15: "I categorically and unreservedly apologise for my utterances at the PNP public meeting on Thursday, 10th December," while insisting he wasn't inciting violence or any retaliation for the fire at the deputy mayor's office.

In my opinion, this is the most insincere, useless, contemptuous apology I've heard and highlights that Jamaica's politics remains in the gutter and will never emerge until real sanctions are swiftly imposed on persons who debase the political process like this. I'm sick and tired of politicians issuing facile apologies after days of sticking to their guns (no pun intended); talking twaddle that contradicts the apology; and expecting to be instantly forgiven without more. Where's the deterrent in that?

His comments were expressly linked to the fire. He deliberately led the crowd into alleging that Labourites set the fire, before breaking into song. For those unaware of Wah Dem Feel Like, here are important extracts, which I expect The Gleaner will cowardly censor, thus depriving readers of the full impact of Dwayne's treacherous message:

Hey, Ryno, a baby strength dem have.

Gal strength alone dem have.

Grants Pen, line up di car dem and di bike

and mek we run in pon dem tonight.

You might ask, "run in pon dem tonight" to what end?

A weh dem feel like?

Dem skin too tough fi bleed?

Hustle up mi gun inna Jeffrey Hype,

mek we step like a centipede

and tek the lead

inna war

A weh dem feel like?

Dem skin too tough fi bleed?

Hustle up mi gun inna Shawn Storm

mek we step like a centipede

and tek the lead

inna war.

Remember Romaine 'Black Rhino/Blak Ryno' Anderson, originally the biggest money spinner (excluding Vybz) for Kartel's Portmore Empire label, who left the Empire after less than three years? He added insult to injury with a press release: "I just want to make it known I'm no longer a member of the Empire", before changing his name to Ryno Di Stinger.

Remember Jeffrey Hype? He felt it necessary to publicly proclaim "Kartel is mi God" when rumours of a rift between the two Gaza men circulated after Jeffrey committed dancehall abomination by tattooing Kartel's face on his hand.

Nowadays badness nuh fit dem.

Dem only beat up bere 'oman and children.

Nobody nah go VEX if we kill dem.

Di coppa shot dem from mi gun mi put it in dem.

From you bother f**k b***y, you condemn.

Shawn Storm string dem as we bomb dem.

The way mi love killin mi put it inna mi song dem

and when di Gaza circle you, you caan get weh from dem!

Remember Shawn Storm? Recently, Kartel described him as the only loyal one left from his Portmore Empire. So the relationship seems better now than it was certainly in 2011 when Vybz and 'Problem Child' were heard on a voice recording blaming Shawn for the missing guns. Why'd the artiste want to "hustle up mi gun inna" Jeffrey and Shawn? Why is Ryno targeted as having "baby strength"?

Mi nuh inna nuh long talking.

Mi dawg a do di bl**dcl**t barking

Maggi-barrel a spin like a car rim

Down a Madden dem haffi carry ... badness

A noh show weh you star in

Fi get no bandooloo shot and fake scarrin

A real coppa, a real killa, real bawlin'.

When yu mother see you spread out like tarpaulin ... .

Let me make myself 150 per cent clear. When Dwayne Vaz brings THIS "artistry" into a national political campaign, he incites the most venomous violence, sets back the political process for years, and establishes he's unfit for public office. When a resident DJ is scheduled to play and plays THIS 'song' at a political rally, it means the party supports the utter disregard for law and order the song proposes.

A political ombudsman who accepts an apology and 'seminar', then moves on to preventing private property owners from posting coloured flags, is unworthy of the position. The ombudsman should have power to declare Dwayne Vaz ineligible as a candidate. If not, nothing less than his removal as a candidate should satisfy her.

I see Portia is meeting with Dwayne. That meeting had better result in the withdrawal of his candidacy or I'll be encouraging every Jamaican voter NOT to vote PNP in the next election. This is dastardly.

The final pull was a tie and enclosed Maurice Tomlinson's recent buggery law court challenge. I wish him success, but I hope he approaches the legal challenge more professionally than a previous challenge which was poorly presented. The law is logic and language, NOT sympathy, and Tomlinson should highlight how legislators so distorted both in their anxiety to ignore international human rights trends that our Charter of Rights is internally inconsistent. Here's hoping he can convince Jamaican courts to resolve that inconsistency in favour of human rights over Christian dogma.

Peace and love.

- Gordon Robinson is an attorney-at-law. Email feedback to