A survivor’s candour on domestic violence, therapist weighs in

Circa 2005, Stacey Griffiths* faced an unexpected romantic dilemma. With a fiancé creating distance overseas, she became entangled with a lover right next door. Considering the convenience of the latter, Griffiths chose what she believed was the safer option. However, things took a dark turn when Sean Grant*, the man she had fallen for, suddenly transformed into a violent and abusive partner, making several attempts to harm her.

“It started small, a slap here, another hit there. Until he began to beat on me whenever he got the chance to. Being pregnant with his child didn’t stop him either,” the mother of three, told Lifestyle.

Grant and Griffiths first crossed paths at a domino tournament where they both represented their community and played on the same team for a match. Sparks flew, and six months later, the pair created a partnership on and off the table.

Seeing her boyfriend once annually, Grant began filling in those lonely gaps. “So I ended things with the overseas guy and went with the domino guy,” she explained.

The newly formed couple quickly decided to live together and it was during that time the physical abuse started to become evident. They began arguing, often over what she initially considered trivial matters, and she began to notice his inability to control his temper, leading to outbursts of intense anger.

“We were having an argument and all of a sudden, he hit me in my face,” she recounted. Shocked, Griffiths remained still, hoping to wake up from this nightmare. She didn’t react, out of fear that things would escalate even further.

What happened next was equally surprising, “He apologised afterwards for hitting me and said that it would never happen again.” She forgave him but he started hitting her again a month later.

The abuse persisted and escalated whenever she attempted to engage in activities without him. The only ray of hope in her life was when she discovered she was pregnant. However, her happiness turned into tragedy when she suffered a miscarriage at the age of 18. Her blessings eventually arrived about two years later when she gave birth to her first child, a daughter.

This newfound motherhood provided her with the extra motivation to create a better life for herself and her family. However, the lingering emotional scars from the past continued to impede her progress. “I had applied to work at a local bar and was getting ready for my first day when Sean started with the foolishness once again. He didn’t want me to go to work because he didn’t approve of the kind of job. But he wasn’t working and we had a child together, so we needed to have an income.”

Out of nowhere, he attacked her. “He was cursing and beating on me. It was so bad. I didn’t get the job. I couldn’t turn up; I was so bruised up.”

She kept his behaviour behind closed doors for years, but her family grew concerned as they observed him displaying anger towards her in their presence. “We were trying to have a conversation one day while I was with my family, and just by his reaction, they knew he was an abusive person. My grandfather had threatened to kill him after realising that he was hitting him,” she said.

It was then that she decided to beg for him and soon distanced herself from the family, in order to keep the peace. “I didn’t want him to die. And I still kept saying to myself, ‘Oh, he can change.’ He wasn’t abusive all the time, majority of the time, he was good. But when things got bad, they were horrible,” she shared.

Isolation led to depression. “He would always say that I would never amount to anything good. I felt sad and worthless,” she explained.

Griffiths had another child with him before she reached her breaking point. “The moment he decided to beat me in front of our son was the last straw for me. I pulled a knife and decided I was going to kill him.”

Realising that she was serious about fighting back and ending his life, he ran, and that was the last time he ever laid hands on her.

Domestic violence, its signs and healing path

Domestic violence, often abbreviated as DV, as explained by transformative therapist Caurel Richards, occurs when someone repeatedly abuses or inflicts harm upon you.

“It is abuse. And abuse comes in so many forms: physical, financial, emotional, psychological and sexual. So, depending on the abuse, it can show up in a way where it is so elusive. If you’ve been in it for so long and it is something that is familiar to you, it won’t appear to be an abusive situation because maybe that’s what you have known all of your life. DV is the abuse of power and taking away someone’s choice by way of manipulation,” Richards told Lifestyle.

She goes on to emphasise that if people who genuinely love and care for the victim are raising concerns or noticing signs that the victim may not see, it’s definitely something to take into consideration.

Signs of domestic violence from the victim’s perspective may include intuition, a fear of discussing the relationship with others due to deep-rooted shame about the situation. While, on the abuser’s side, signs can manifest as jealousy and the prevention of the victim from spending time with family members and friends.

“They’re very discouraging when it comes to you spending time with other people. It’s their way of isolating you, so that if anything happens, you won’t have anyone. If you’re solely dependent on them, they have this level of concern over you. You feel helpless and hopeless,” Richards added.

She continued by noting, “Abusers are very insulting, they demean you any chance [they get] and you can never do anything right in their eyes. It’s like they’re setting you up to fail. If they see that you are emotionally resilient, they will break down that wall by any means necessary, including physically abusing you and [will] even pressure you to engage in uncomfortable activities like having sex with them.”

Escaping an abusive relationship can be emotionally challenging, but in terms of physical safety, Richards cites one individual who successfully left her abuser with the help and support of her loved ones. “You can’t be abrupt with leaving; you have to be strategic. An abuser is hypervigilant so put plans in place for a bigger move, especially if you have children. And do so with someone you trust.”

Therapy involves understanding that the victim is not to blame, but it’s their responsibility to heal. This often involves addressing past traumas, even from childhood, to create a healthier future. Richards assists her clients in exploring their childhood experiences as a means of paving the way for a healthier future.

*Names changed to protect identities.

krysta.anderson@gleanerjm.com