Dealing with sexual abuse in the family – Part 1

Cecelia Campbell-Livingston

Gleaner Writer

Your mother denies

There's a problem

She's looking away

She don't wanna hear you cry

She will pray

That it's over for a while

Daddy’s Girl - Scorpions

The silence culture has a history of ripping families apart for many years and many children who are sexually abused by their own family members are too scared to speak about it. Older ones, for one reason or another, tend to deal with the pain of betrayal by acting it out with deviant behaviours.

It is never easy to deal with the fact that someone you love and trust could turn on you in that manner, and most times even the ones who should come to your rescue are in such denial, they turn around and lay the blame at the victim’s feet.

Kashina Alexander-McLean, registered nurse, sexual abuse activist and founder of Scars that Speak Out Loud provides insight to Family and Religion in this two-part series.

She said the effects of sexual abuse on families can be extremely distressing, causing long-lasting challenges in relationships.

According to McLean, most often children are abused by someone they know, trust and depend on and so may not understand that the abuse is wrong and not their fault. Family members, on the other hand she said, may feel torn between protecting the children and being loyal to the perpetrators.

She said some mothers may even refrain from reporting the incident because of fear for their own lives or livelihood.

Referring to research data, McLean said one in three girls and one in four boys experienced sexual abuse at some point in their childhood and that sexually-abused children report feeling that something is wrong with them; that the abuse is their fault; and that they should blame themselves for the abuse, while perpetrators may be flooded with shame and guilt.

However, McLean pointed out that the experience of sexual abuse does not end with childhood, as survivors have to cope with personal struggles for many years, including dealing with family dynamics specifically related to the abuse.

“Sometimes issues such as secrecy, betrayal and resentment towards each other continue in the family for many years, causing the abused member to feel victimised all over again,” she shared.

In addition, feelings of denial, she said, may also result in family members ostracising the person or persons who expressed anger toward an abuser. Parents may deny a child’s story of being sexually abused or even blame the child for the abuse. These responses, she said, undermine the victim’s experience and produce new long-lasting struggles in adulthood and within the family setting.

It is not the norm for others to put themselves in the place of the abuser or attempt to address how the issue affects them, but ironically, according to McLean, the individuals who sexually abuse children often feel the effects of the abuse, too. In some cases, she shared, abusers portray the image of being an honourable member of the family and community while in truth they are struggling with being a sick, angry offender.

“No matter how we think of them, they are in need of serious psychotherapeutic intervention too and are still central to the makeup of the family. Therefore, the family will have conflicting feelings about them,” she shared.

McLean also added that society places high expectations on the mothers and fail to think about the responsibility the rest of the family has when it comes to the incidences of abuse.

She said the norm is to blame the mothers without taking the time to understand that they may be victims of abuse as well and have no clue how to deal with the situation.

“Research shows that the support a child receives from their mother may influence their ability to recover from sexual abuse and as such, mothers need to be supported and have resources provided to them to help with dealing with the problem.”

McLean said it is not easy for parents of an abused child to deal with the guilt that they were unaware that the abuse was taking place or that they didn’t intervene to protect the child. This, she said, can leave parents and extended family in a difficult position.

“If the perpetrator is a family member or close friend, this may also cause the parents to feel guilty posing some additional challenges and emotions specific to this situation that others may not be able to relate to. But instead of quashing their own feelings and resorting to blaming themselves, it’s important that parents and families find a way to manage these emotions in order to prioritise the safety of the child,” McLean shared.