Effects of unforgiveness

We have been discussing the nature of unforgiveness and what it actually means. To forgive is to release the person entirely, and when we don’t do this, it affects us negatively. To thrive, we must set them free and let go of the bitterness or the resentment. To release a person doesn’t mean we have to confront them, repair, or even reconcile the relationship, because releasing is all about our own personal decision. Forgiveness is also not an emotion, but a choice. When we make that choice, tremendous freedom is ours, because holding a grudge is like drinking poison and hoping the other person will get sick.

When we release the person, we give up the right to repayment. When somebody harms us, we think that they are now in debt to us because of it, and therefore owe us. We think that they must repay us for the wrong they’ve done. When you release the person, you are releasing your right to repayment. We enjoy putting people in ‘prison’ in our minds if they’ve wronged us because we want them to suffer, and to hurt as badly as they hurt us. We imprison others, for example, by using the silent treatment; we may avoid them; or, in the name of the truth, launch a barrage of verbal assaults at them; and we have seen persons do more horrific things in recent years. Are you holding someone hostage right now? Are you determined to punish a friend or family member for something that they said or did to you?

There are hidden torturers of unforgiveness. Two are anger and bitterness that eat us from the inside out. John MacArthur observes, “Unforgiveness is a toxin. It poisons the heart and mind with bitterness, distorting one’s whole perspective on life. Anger, resentment, and sorrow begin to overshadow and overwhelm the unforgiving person...” These are hidden mental torturers that make us lie awake at night, stewing over every wrong that someone has done to us.

Then there are the physical torturers of frustration and malice that give us ulcers, high blood pressure, migraine headaches, and lower back pain. The Scripture says, “A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones” (Proverbs 17:22 NIV). The torturers of unforgiveness stalk us day and night, never leave our side, and suck every bit of joy out of life. Over time, this mayhem weakens the body.

According to Dr Steven Standiford, chief of surgery at the Cancer Treatment Centres of America, “refusing to forgive makes people sick and keeps them that way”. With that in mind, forgiveness therapy is now being used to help treat diseases, such as cancer.

While we often try to punish and imprison those who hurt us, the reverse happens. When we don’t forgive, we end up hurt. One of the worst prisons in the world is an unforgiving heart.

When we release someone, we give up the rights to revenge. Revenge is not our job. Romans 12:17, 19 (NLT) says, “Never pay back evil with more evil. Do things in such a way that everyone can see you are honourable. … Dear friends, never take revenge. Leave that to the righteous anger of God. For the Scriptures say, ‘I will take revenge; I will pay them back,’ says the Lord.”

We will either release them once and be done with it for the rest of our lives, or rehearse the painful episode the rest of our lives. We must consider that unforgiveness is detrimental to our health and well-being and can lead us down a disastrous road. Is it worth it?