Oneil Clarke – from low self-esteem to being superconfident

Today, 34-year-old Oneil Clarke, visual arts teacher at the Sydney Pagon STEM Academy in St Elizabeth, is a confident individual. He is now trying to make a successful business of his number one passion: art.

He told The Gleaner that he has come a long, long way from the student who suffered a serious bout of shyness,an inferiority complex, and had little or no self-esteem.

He credits close friends and family members who loved him dearly for overcoming to being the confident person he is now.

Clarke said that, after completing his master’s at The Mico University College in 2013, he still battled with low self-esteem. He said the main reason he kept pushing to accomplish his education was that he felt it would have “validated” him.

“Giving up was never an option as, for me, it was important to get that degree, as I thought it would be a way out. So I focused on education because I wanted to feel like somebody,” he said.

Describing himself as a “typical barrel child” he said he never lacked for food or clothes, as he grew up with his grandmother and got everything he needed – except nurturing. This, he said, fell short.

He learnt to read in the summer after finishing Grade Four at Grange Hill Primary School in Westmoreland.

“I visited my mother for the summer holiday. I remembered she had a book – The Jungle Book - and she sat me down the entire summer to read the book. My reading was really poor, that was the starting point,” he shared, adding that the experience has seen him being gentle and patient with his students who are unable to read.

Still struggling with any real sense of worth, when he passed for Manning’s School, he felt he was not worthy to go there. Sharing a ‘secret’, he said he could not repeat the months of the year as he always ended up with 11! No matter how he tried, there was always a month missing. He gave it a rest after several attempts.

He described his Manning’s years as “five years of horror” as he said his shyness got worse. He even felt that puberty betrayed him by ditching him. As most boys’ voice got deeper, his was ‘fine’.

NOT MUTE

That made him more reticent to the extent that many introduced him as mute.

“They thought I was mute up until 10th grade when I tried and made an attempt to exit the shell. They were surprised when they discovered I could speak,” he said.

Leaving Manning’s with seven CSECs (Caribbean Secondary Education Certificate), he said he felt lost.

“I was really confused, I didn’t have any goals. I did subjects for subjects’ sake, but didn’t have any aim. I didn’t believe in myself so why would I need goals, why would I need to aim, to what avail?” he reminisced on his thoughts back then. In hindsight, he said he might have been protecting himself with the thinking that, if he didn’t have any goals, he would avoid disappointment.

He enrolled at the Montego Bay Community College to study architecture. He will never forget the first day as he panicked and called his friend who encouraged him to “go in the bathroom and hide for the rest of the day”.

He, instead, sat quietly till the end of the day. According to Clarke, he was so introverted that he had no idea how to operate in a public setting. It was so bad that, travelling from Savanna-la-Mar to Montego Bay, it was a struggle to say ‘one stop’ when he reached his destination.

His passion for art eventually opened the door to communication as, when his classmates saw his drawing, they approached him for assistance with their work. Even his teacher referred those who were having challenges to him. His fellow students even came up with a reason for his “weirdness” - he was artistic!

After enrolling at The Mico University College, Clarke said he made the decision that “come hell or high water” he was coming out of his shell.

“It reached a point where I was so stressed that I started having headaches,” he shared. Thankfully for him, he was staying with some Christians who took him under their wings.

He eventually ended up being president of the Rotaract club. “Imagine me, Mr Shy guy, introvert, a president,” he said.

Three years ago, Clarke said, in spite of his ditching the shyness and being more open now, he ended up having to see the psychologist, as he felt something was wrong with him.

“I realised that my relationships were not working, it seemed as if I was a womaniser in spite of the fact that I was searching for commitment. I realised something was seriously wrong and also that people tend to walk on me a lot as well,” he shared as he stressed that everyone saw him as a pushover, so he needed to address that.

After assessment, the psychologist agreed with him then asked why it was so, with him giving the response that he was not intelligent.

“He said ‘you are not intelligent, you have a college degree’.”

Clarke said he was then asked if he could come up with creative ideas to solve problems, to which he responded that was basically his job.

A light bulb went off for him when the psychologist asked “then why are you not intelligent?”

“I realised then that, if you don’t excel in English or math, you are not deemed intelligent ‘cause my English was poor. It was my exceptional art skills that got me in Mico. My English was really poor throughout high school, very poor. People fed us that mastery of English and math is what makes you intelligent,” he stated.

It is with a wisdom born from his many mistakes that he can now reach out and advise others to explore their signature strength and not look at anyone else, as he notes, “We all have something that we do better than everybody else.”

cecelia.livingston@gleanerjm.com