When a family member dies

THE PASSING of a family member, especially a well-beloved one, can be an emotional and psychological experience, especially under certain conditions. The period of grieving can be very long, while some people recover in a matter of months. It depends on the depth and intensity of the grief.

Vivian Crawford, a former executive director of the Institute of Jamaica, lost his 50 year-old son Lawson John who was an attorney-at-law living in London, England. He was laid to rest on Saturday, September 14 at Dovecot Memorial Park in St Catherine after a thanksgiving service for his life at The University Chapel on the Mona campus in St Andrew.

In a conversation with Crawford, I said to him, “You don’t seem to be mourning, though”. For he was his usual effervescent and engaging self, popping his trademark big laughs; full of his characteristic joie de vivre.

He himself was not brought up with his father, who died at age 39 when Vivian was only four months old. He was told that, when he was being passed over his father’s grave (a traditional Jamaican funeral practice), he was laughing, and he has not stopped since then. Obviously, as a baby, he didn’t know what was going on, but he felt God was guiding him at that moment.

Crawford’s response to my remark was so unexpected that I kept asking follow-up questions. He said,“Yeah, I’ve been laughing ever since … Am just so mindful of the goodness of God. God has been so good to me.”

He was blessed with Lawson, who was on loan to him and has now returned to God. He also believes one day they will meet again. “Oh yes, oh yes, we have to, we will, we will,” he said enthusiastically.

So, Crawford is not sad to the point of crying non-stop, because, when he was involved in a new thought movement, he was told that crying is an act of self-pity in which you should not find yourself.

Crawford said his son “was a deeply religious man” with whom he had a good relationship. What he had accomplished in 50 years was amazing, and so he is not sad over the age at when he passed.

“My mother used to tell me, which comforts me, she said to me, ‘We live in deeds, not in years’. Wow! We live in deeds, not in years,” he said.

When Crawford heard of the passing of his son, he said he screamed but didn’t cry. Yet, he said he was frightened. “Jesus, I screamed … I was so frightened, oh, oh God,” he shared. Crying would be a betrayal of God’s love and he is not vexed with God. He explained, “I’m not vexed with God. He’s my maker and what God does is best.”

Inside the chapel, when the casket arrived, Vivian approached it saying, “Hi, Mr Crawford”. He didn’t crack.

Yet, his strength was breached, and tears flowed when the Diocesan Festival Choir was singing the last verse of The King of Love My Shepherd Is. And so through all the length of days/Thy goodness faileth never/Good shepherd, May I sing thy/Within thy house forever.

“I just got emotional because it is telling me that God’s goodness faileth never … so, I have no fear that God will sustain and carry us through. Sounds naïve, but it is not, because I have been on that goodness,” he shared.

When the body was being lowered into its final resting place, Crawford remained calm and thankful. “I was just giving thanks, as I said, I didn’t get emotional.”

“So, you’re in a good place emotionally then, you’re saying?” I asked. “Oh yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. I’m not questioning what the Father has done. We live in deeds, not in years. He did what he had to do,” Crawford replied.

Part of the tribute from the clergy of the Deanery of St Margaret’s Westminster in London says: “ Lawson was a committed churchman and for many years a churchwarden in his local parish, St Stephen’s Rochester Row. He was also the treasurer of the local deanery (a group of parishes in the Two Cities area), and brought rigour and good governance to the business of managing local church finances.

“For the last few years, he was a worshipper at St Paul’s Knightsbridge where he volunteered to join the Parochial Church Council. He was assiduous in his preparations for meetings and a wise and much-valued contributor to discussions. But beyond his wisdom and good judgement, we all valued his laughter and sense of fun.”

He was Vivian Crawford’s son.