Being there for an abused survivor

“At first I was afraid, I was petrified

Kept thinking I could never live without you by my side

But then I spent so many nights thinking how you did me wrong

And I grew strong

And I learned how to get along”

– I Will Survive, Gloria Gaynor

The COVID-19 pandemic has forced many couples to spend more time with each other than they normally would or are even comfortable doing. The uneasy living arrangement that was working for them somewhat has now been put under strain, manifesting itself in more fights and quarrels in the homes.

There are also those cases where one partner was already dealing with physical and emotional abuse, which caused their loved ones to feel helpless when they refuse to walk away from the toxic relationship.

After finding the courage to leave an abusive relationship, the individual will now need a special kind of support, said Kashina McLean, author of When the Silence Breaks and founder of Scars That Speak Out Loud. She told Family & Religion that anyone who suffered any kind of abuse needs the strong support of family and friends to overcome the trauma.

She pointed out, however, that when a loved one has suffered or is suffering spousal abuse, knowing what to do or knowing the right words to say can be challenging.

“It is common to feel helpless, awkward, or uncertain about how to approach the situation. You may be fearful about being too pushy or intrusive or saying the wrong thing, and this causes you to suffer as well,” she said.

McLean, who herself is a sexual abuse survivor and now a life strategist, said it empowers her to now allow people to know the number of ways they can show empathy and kindness while supporting victims of abuse.

Abuse Victims are Neglected

“Statistics have shown that 74.8 per cent of abuse victims are neglected by society, and almost five victims die per day as a result of sexual abuse alone. Therefore, we can appreciate the need to get involved in the restorative efforts not just on a community level, but as individuals,” she shared.

McLean, in highlighting some of the ways family and friends can assist survivors, said that one of the strategies is to encourage them to express what they are feeling. Stressing that silence is a killer, she said that most, if not all, abuse victims suffer in silence following their encounter as they experience all sorts of emotions that cause them to feel unworthy and ashamed. This, she said, is compounded by the fact that society also tends to label victims.

Encouraging victims to express themselves, she shared, can help them to work through those negative emotions and find a way to heal.

One mistake to avoid, according to McLean, is not recounting the past. She said that often, friends and family want to know what happened in order to better understand the situation.

“However, NEVER ask an abused person to tell you details of what happened. This will only cause them to relive the horrible experience and further traumatise them. Give them enough time to open up to you when they are ready to share, and be prepared for what little information they can share at a time as this may be done over several short periods,” McLean advised.

She said that her own life is a testimony to the virtues of prayer, which she encouraged those who are trying to help to guide the victims through.

“If the victim is unable to pray for themselves, then you can do it for them in their presence,” she said.

Other ways abused persons can be assisted is by providing resources for them. Although support is good, she said, they will need information and referrals for further intervention.

McLean pointed out that there is no easy fix, but with the right support, each day can see the individual taking a step closer to survival even in the midst of turmoil and suffering.

“Each of us has the potential to become a source of comfort or safe place, a place of refuge to provide support, help, and healing for those who are making sense of this traumatic event. We have the ability to provide a cushion against emotional pain,” she said.

familyandreligion@gleanerjm.com